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Stop the press!!! I just found out that Yvonne the Ghetto Receptionist speaks Chinese. WTF??? If you follow Brett and the City, then you know all too well who Yvonne the Receptionist is, and just why this statement is so shocking. For those of you who may be new to the column, before you go any further, I’d strongly suggest that you stop right now and immediately read the previous post titled: Meet Yvonne the Receptionist.
I used to refer to Yvonne as “the most ghetto receptionist in the world”; but after careful deliberation, I am afraid I’m actually going to have to retract that statement. A woman whose cell phone was once actually repossessed for failing to make her weekly payment to Tuffy’s Rent-a-Phone; and a woman who every Monday makes a giant pitcher of Kool-Aid at her desk to last her through the week. The word “ghetto”, would actually be considered a step up. Perhaps even something for Yvonne to aspire to. With our office being located merely steps away from Manhattan’s Red Light District: we often have to walk past all the local undesirables to get to work. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen random street hookers, literally point and laugh at Yvonne as she struts by in one of her infamous work outfits. When your taste is so bad that even common street whores have lost respect for you; I can honestly say that’s probably not a good thing. Truthfully even when I first met Yvonne, not knowing: during my interview I commented to the CEO, how admirable it was that he participated in the State’s “Prison to Work” program. Boy did I feel stupid when he told me he had absolutely no idea what I was talking about. In my defense I explained, “I’m sorry; Yvonne just has the essence of a woman, struggling to ease back into the work force, after having just done a 7 to 10. But in a good way of course.”
Last Friday after work, Yvonne and I stopped in one of the little neighborhood convenience stores to grab a Red Bull. Since there were none on the shelf, we attempted to ask the old Asian clerk for assistance. Unfortunately, he couldn’t speak a single word of English. Just as I was about to suggest that we try another store; to my astonishment, Yvonne suddenly began speaking to the clerk in Chinese. I thought, “WTF?”
Now, there are some moments in life that are so shocking to the core, they end up reshaping our entire existence as we know it. Like the time my dad sat me down and told me that Santa Clause was really a Nazi. Or the time I was 7, and accidentally walked in on my grandparents having a threesome with Roberto, their little Mexican gardener. And for some strange reason, all of them were wearing strap-ons. Not only did I cry for weeks; but I still get a little queasy whenever I order the chalupa value meal from Taco Bell. Well; seeing Yvonne speak Chinese was most definitely one of those moments. Especially seeing how not just 2 minutes before, I had just finished explaining to her in detail, that the words “flewt & flighted” were in no way shape of form considered the correct past tense for the word “flight”. To which she responded, “Oh, I meant to say we ‘flewted’ there on the plane.”
Yvonne didn’t just know how to say a few of the basic Chinese words like; cat, car, or chicken fried rice. She actually got into a rather long back and forth with the clerk that ended with both of them laughing. Now, I consider myself to be a reasonably intelligent guy; and hell, I still sometimes have trouble ordering off the menu at Olive Garden. Yet here, a woman who constantly refers to nail school as “higher education” is speaking Chinese so well, she can actually make jokes. The girl can barely speak English, but in Chinese she’s a regular Ellen DeGeneres. Still in shock, I turned to her and asked “Yvonne… how and when did you learn to speak Chinese?” To which she very casually replied, “Child please….I’ve been buying fake hair from the Chinese store since I was 9. I speak Mandarin, Cantonese, and two rare dialects only spoken around the ghettos of Shanghai.”
Now believe it or not, but the craziest part of this story isn’t even that Yvonne speaks Chinese. It’s that for 8 whole years, Yvonne has sat in between Jenny Yin and Sue Chang, the two most gossipy women in our office, who are constantly speaking Chinese whenever they have something they don’t want Yvonne to hear. And for 8 years, Yvonne has sat between those two women, and has never even muttered a single word. Somewhat baffled I asked, “Does Jenny and Sue both know that you can speak Chinese?” To which Yvonne relied, “No, and you better not tell them either. If them bitches knew I spoke Chinese, they would start speaking French. And if I spoke French, trust me; they’d be in school tomorrow trying to learn something else.”
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Mon, 08 Mar
strap ons? ?!?!?! *dead*
Shhhhh Charles. I don’t want my grandparents to know that I’m putting their business in the streets. LOL
Hillarious!!!
OMG! You are killing me! That is the craziest mess I have ever heard. Can’t speak english but damn near fluent in Chinese. I’m done, it’s time to go home!
Too funny, I came here through the Pajamas and Coffee site but I well def be back for more!
Thanks so much for the compliment Amy! Glad you liked it. Hope to see you back soon-
Yes, Trina. Those were my sentiments exactly. I was ready to go home too. LOL
I came over via the average bro’s website and have been laughing like crazy!!!
Expect to see me around….a lot!!! Your blog is wonderful…anyone who can keep me laughing, has me at hello. Great blog!
Thanks so much for stopping by Ali. I’m glad you were able to stop by and get your laugh on. Please by all means, come back every Monday.
LOL! “Flewt and flighted!”
Brett, I enjoyed your column. I am reading this at 5:00 a.m. and laughing so hard that I woke my household. You are so hilarious that we must be related. I have a sister that is a riot If she had a brain she would be dangerous.
LMAO!! Another good story brett! When you first told this story, i was cracking up.. but reading it adds a whole new dynamic!!!
Thanks so much for stopping by Carolyn, I’m so glad you loved it and sorry for waking up the kids. LOL People keep saying this site should come with a warning sign. I get more people in trouble.
LMAO!!! Yes Jay, I forgot I actually told you right after it happened. Glad the written story was able to live up, and As always thanks for the support.
Man you are so funny on paper can I get a TV show my jaws hurt I’m laughing so hard
I found this blog through VSB and am highly amused by it. I’ll add this to my list of favorites. And shout out to Yvonne!! Don’t let the weave fool ya! LOL
Holy cow. I surfed over from VSB. You are one funny dude. I love Yvonne already!!!
Sounds like my kinda girl.
Awesome! This is just hilarious. When you have a chance, maybe have Yvonne speak Chinese and put it on the Youtube!! I’d love to watch that!!
RT Girlnextdoor: Thanks so much and I have to arrange that. The only thing is that Yvonne has no idea she’s a reacccuring character in my column. Shhhhh. LOL
honestly, you are one funny guy. reading about yvonne was the highlight of my day.
how did the conversation about “flewt and flighted” come about without offending her??? i’m just curious
I just recently discovered your blog, and while sitting here on a “Pay-Day Friday” and reading some of your posts, at this moment, I really can’t ask for much more, love it!
funniest shit ever. seriously. thanks to chocolate cake ladies for the introduction. omg….can’t stop laughing at ““Oh, I meant to say we ‘flewted’ there on the plane.”
RT Tarana: Wow… thanks for the great compliments, and I’m glad you decided to stop by.
Oh my Goodness dude you have got to have the funniest dang stories ever on earth as we know it. whew….
Wow… on earth as we know it??? Now that’s a serious compliment. LOL Thanks so much supporting the column. I am so glad you enjoy it.
I LOVE THAT YOUR BLOGS MAKE MY DAY GO BY FASTER
Oh my Goodness dude you have got to have the funniest dang stories ever on earth as we know it. whew….
Brilliant!
Hank: Wow Brilliant??? I’ll take that. LOL Thanks man.
New reader here.. found you through your guest spot on Pajamas & Coffee.
“The girl can barely speak English, but in Chinese she’s a regular Ellen DeGeneres.” — loved that line!
You’re a funny guy Brett.
about to add your sites to my favorites list, yvonne is too damn funny man oh man. Ever since I came across your site I have been in stitches laughin so damn hard LOL!!!
you are a trip. you should do a tv show!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow! Very interesting and funny as usual. I’m not mad @ Yvonne I’m glad she used her everyday doings (buying hair) to her advantage. BTW, I’m trying my hardest not to get fired for laughing so loud.
OMG I swear I peed a little- you are too much and Yvonne….
loved it was actually inspired
I think I just cried a bucket full of tears…Hilarious. keep them coming.
Bretttttttttttttt I was strollin through the Department where I am doing my internship and thought that I saw Yvonne LOL!!! Tell her she has a twin in Atlanta!!!!!!!!
Nigel: man that’s totally Crazy!!!!! What if it was really her? LOL
Lady Bug: Thanks so much.. and I’m glad you found the site!!
Who knew Yvonne was ‘bilateral”..lol.