Why Armenian Women & Anal Beads Don’t Mix! (Office Gift Gone Wrong)

As a copier salesman in New York, you spend a great deal of time out in the field going on appointments and trying to uncover new leads.  Since I generally never have too many of either, I pretty much spend most of my days walking aimlessly through the streets of Manhattan.  This past Friday attempting to kill sometime, I decided to pop by my favorite little sex novelty shop in The Village to see if any exciting new midget porn dvd’s had come in.  Rumor has it that my favorite adult star Bridget the Midget had made a full recovery since she got mauled by that pit bull filming last year’s hit Little People Big Dogs Vol. 4.  Apparently she got a little carried away during the taping, and evidently learned the hard way that there are just some places a woman just doesn’t stick her finger: no matter how much the dog seems into it.  With that said, I figured it was just a matter of days before some of her new movies hit the streets.

Although I didn’t see anything new, while perusing the shop I noticed they were having a big jewelry sale.  Never being one to pass up a good savings, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to look around.  Even though I didn’t see anything that was my particular cup of tea, on a shelf next to a bunch of silver trinkets and such I noticed this really interesting looking necklace.  It was very long and made up of these big shiny blue pearls, and according to the tag it was marked down to just $18 bucks.  That’s when it hit me, “This would be a perfect birthday gift for my supervisor Artemis!”  Artemis is this chubby little Armenian bitch, and no doubt the biggest kiss ass of the entire company.  All day long she tortures everyone in the office with this loud annoying laugh she does whenever the CEO is around; and then the mere second he walks away she instantly turns right back into the Vampire Queen from True Blood.  Today was her actual birthday, so it was a perfect idea.  Since she had been riding my ass all month for yet again not making quota, not only could I score a few points and finally get her off my ass; I was almost positive that none of those other cheap bastards from my team would think to get her anything, therefore making me stand out as the one good guy of the group.  The idea was dare I say genius.  And since she loves nothing more than to parade her big belly around the office in these tight cheap garish outfits, the loud blue pearls would surely be right up her alley.

Without thinking twice I slapped my money down on the counter, and then went directly to the party store next door to get the present wrapped.  When it comes to giving gifts, presentation is actually the most important part of all.  So naturally I didn’t hesitate a bit spending the extra $4.33 for the really cool platinum colored paper and ribbon.  Not to mention, I’ve seen enough episodes of Keeping Up With the Kardashian’s to know that Armenian women tend to have an affinity for really shiny things.  And of course Black guys.  When they were done at the party store, I could hardly wait to get back to the office and surprise Artemis with her gift.  Today was also our big company-wide quarterly sales meeting.  Seeing how before every big meeting, Artemis comes around individually to each person from our team to go over our numbers for her big report; I figured it would be the perfect time to give it to her.  I could already see the looks on my other team members faces when they realized that I had outsmarted them.  In the world of business, you can never be afraid to think outside of the box.  Something that I pretty much prided myself in.

As soon as I walked in, just as I thought, Artemis had already begun her tirade.  Walking in the door I could already hear her nagging little voice as she belittled each team member for their lack luster sales.  Finally it was my turn.  Just as planned, I reached into my briefcase and surprised her with the beautifully wrapped gift box.  Suddenly everyone’s eyes were now on me.  “Oh…what’s this?” she remarked in that snarky tone “Is this for me?”  Wasting no time, I replied “Surprise!  Happy Birthday Artemis!” catching her completely off guard.  Somewhat apprehensive, she replied “Brett, you got me a gift?” to which I responded “Of course I did, it’s your birthday!  You do such an amazing job around here motivating us all Artemis.  I just really wanted to give you a little token of my appreciation.”  Man, if I had a camera to record the looks on all of those losers’ faces when I dropped that one on her?  It was like we were playing poker and I had just laid down my full house.  I thought “Read em’ and weep bitches!”

My plan must’ve really worked too, because for the first time she actually smiled without the CEO being within eye shot.  Completely moved, she replied “Oh wow.  I don’t know what to say.  No one here has ever bought me a gift before.”  She then slowly opened the box as if still waiting for some kind of punch line.  The moment she saw blue pearls her face lit up like a Christmas tree.  “OMG it’s beautiful!  Pearls are my absolute favorite!  How’d you know?”  “Because I pay attention Artemis…go ahead put it on.” I commented.  Removing the necklace from the box, with a very puzzled expression she replied “That’s strange…I can’t find the clasp.  Actually there doesn’t seem to be one.”  I thought “WTF?”  As I examined the necklace myself, that was when it hit me, “F*ck!  That’s why it was so cheap.  The damn thing is obviously irregular.”  This was beyond horrible.  I couldn’t believe those assholes down at the The Fury Pussy Cat would sell me a defective necklace.  I swear some people have literally zero integrity.”  I thought “If you can’t trust the people at your local adult dvd store then dammit who can you trust?”  My plan was suddenly unraveling right before my eyes.  Thinking fast on my feet, I replied “Oh no, there’s not supposed to be a clasp.  It’s actually European.  Yeah…I think you just kind of drape it around your neck like a scarf.  That’s why it’s so long.  It’s all the rage in Paris right now.”  Still a little apprehensive she replied “It is?”  “Yes!” I confirmed, “Julia Roberts wore one just like it on Oprah the other day.”  Being that was her favorite actress in the entire universe; that was all the confirmation she needed.  She then wrapped the broken necklace around her neck a few times as she checked her reflection in the mirror.  “It’s gorgeous!” she exclaimed, “And so chic too.”

At last I was saved.  I couldn’t believe that she actually bought it.  Still smiling from ear to ear, she then eagerly turned to the rest of the team and replied “I can’t believe you guys!  You all are so cute.  So what else did I get?”  As she looked around waiting for more gifts to pop out, no one said a word.  “You mean Brett was the only one who remembered my birthday?”  Judging by the stupid looks on all of their faces as they looked around cluelessly, the answer was pretty apparent.  Her smile instantly changed back to the all too familiar scowl.  As tension grew in the aisle, grasping at straws; Gracie, the little old Jewish rep with the drinking problem, picked up a coupon from her desk and replied “Well…I have this coupon a client gave me for a $5 off a meat lover’s pizza if you want?”  Artemis snapped, snatching the coupon from Gracie’s hand and ripping it up “No I don’t want your stupid f*ckin coupon!  Do I look like I eat at Papa John’s to you?!”  After a really awkward silence while we all just kind of indirectly stared at her belly protruding from under her blouse, she suddenly snapped again “I swear I have the sorriest f*cking team in this building!  With the exception of Brett, the rest of you are nothing more than blisters on my taint!  The quarterly meeting is at four, and none of you idiots better do anything to embarrass me in front of the CEO!”  She then stormed off.  The rest of that day it seemed every time I passed her in the hall, she was showing off her new necklace to someone different.  Anytime anyone commented she would strike this stupid pose followed by the laugh “Oh you like it?  One of my employees bought it for my birthday.  They really do spoil me.  Isn’t it chic?  Julia Roberts has one just like it.”

Later that day it was time for the big meeting.  As a result, everyone in the company very nervously filed into the boardroom room awaiting the usual verbal slaughter.  Since the CEO has a tendency for being a bit of a tyrant, the quarterly meetings are always an extremely stressful environment.  During the last one, the CEO got so worked up he actually threw a stapler at Sherman for merely asking to go to the restroom.  One by one, each supervisor took their turn standing up and delivering their team’s figures before the room.  It was eventually our turn.  Having the strongest figures in the company, Artemis couldn’t wait for her opportunity to for once outshine her peers.  Full of confidence, she stood up with her note pad and just before speaking, she swung her new pearl necklace around her neck the way you would a scarf, I guess just for a little extra drama.   As she delivered her numbers accompanied by that ever-present laugh, for some reason I noticed the CEO starring at the necklace with this really puzzled look on his face.  A few minutes into the presentation he finally interrupted, “I’m sorry Artemis.  But why do you have a set of anal beads around your neck?”  The entire room completely froze.  Then to make matters even worse; Yvonne the Ghetto Receptionist and the only other Black person in the room, repeated at the top of her lunges “Anal beads?!” as if we didn’t already hear it the first time.

Dumbfounded, Artemis replied “Excuse me sir?”  The CEO then repeated it again, “Anal beads.  Why in the hell do you have anal beads around your neck?”  Suddenly my heart dropped completely out of my body down to the floor.  “Oh no!!” I thought to myself, “This can’t be happening!  Did I just accidentally buy my boss a set of anal beads?  Is that the the reason it was sitting next to all those darn butt plugs?”  Hind sight is always 20/20.  I swear, it was as if all the oxygen had just immediately left my body.  For a second the room started spinning and I had to take sip of water just to stop from passing out at the table.  This had to be hands down the absolute worst day of my life.  Still somewhat confused, and with an embarrassed little chuckle, Artemis replied “No Sir, what a funny joke.  It’s actually European wrap necklace.  Brett bought it for my birthday.  Julia Roberts has one too.”  The CEO replied frankly “Well then Julia Roberts must be into ass sex because those are definitely anal beads.”  Literally fire engine red by this point, Artemis turned and shot me a look.  Coincidentally, my Black ass was nearly just as red. Go figure?

At that point the CEO turned his attention to me.  Putting me completely on the spot he asked “Mr. Sanders, do you typically buy your supervisors anal beads for their birthday?”  Nervous beyond belief, I replied “No Sir, I don’t.”  “Then I’m confused, why did you do it this time.”  With my voice still shaking with fear, I accidentally replied “Because they were on sale.”  Now at this point, Yvonne fell completely out her chair on to the floor laughing, while repeatedly shouting at the top of her lunges “On sale??  Nigga you crazy!!  Nigga you crazy!!”  This was technically not a good day.  Filled with rage, Artemis turned back to me and said “My office!  First thing Monday Morning!  And it’s not going to be good.  So, do you have anything to say for yourself?”  With everyone in the room still looking at me, and at a loss for words: the only thing I could think to say was, “Well…look on the bright side.  Thank God I didn’t buy the ones that were marked second hand.”

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