This week I flew back to Grand Rapids Michigan to attend the funeral of my old high school chemistry teacher, Mr. Heidelberg. Aside from that time I accidentally bumped into him and Mrs. Heidelberg, sneaking out of the adult section of Hollywood Video, with a VHS tape titled Big Black Bitches in Heat (Volume 16), he was always a pretty nice guy in my book. And from the look in both of their eyes that night, they must’ve really seen something they liked in volumes 1 thru 15. Because of my grandmother’s Alzheimer’s, and her somewhat aggressive temperament, someone has to be with her at all times. She goes into a cursing fit if you don’t feed her every hour. It’s not that she’s hungry at all; she just simply forgets that she just ate. Since her last day-nurse quit after being whacked in the back of the head with an IKEA catalog, for apparently not making her grilled cheese fast enough; and everyone else in the family was conveniently “busy” that day; I was stuck babysitting. As a result, I had no choice but to take her along to the funeral with me. I was not happy with this arrangement.
By the time we arrived at the funeral home it was already extremely crowded. I had no idea old Gabe knew so many people. There was even a news van. It was like he and Mrs. Heidelberg were the Jay Z & Beyonce of their synagogue. There was no way that I could navigate my grandmother’s walker between those long narrow pews, so I left her in the back of the room in the space designated for handicapped patrons; then I took the only available seat about 20 rows up. By the time I excused and pardoned myself to the middle of the pew, the service was just beginning. A last, I would be able to pay my final respects to my favorite teacher.
I had never been to a Jewish funeral before, and I can honestly say it was like none I’d ever seen. Looking around the room I thought, “Where are all of the crazy cousins hollering and screaming, and the fat aunt trying to hurl herself inside the casket? Where is the smell of burnt macaroni & cheese coming from the basement, and all the family members from Mississippi outside taking pictures in front of the Limo?” Instead it was very quiet and professional. Sort of like an Amway conference at the Comfort Inn. Even the rabbi spoke just above a whisper, which confused the hell out of me; I mean after all I thought, “What were we going to do… wake him?”
About 20 minutes into the service I could not believe my ears. In an all too familiar raspy voice, I heard someone call out…”Brett” from the back of the room. “Oh no…this can not be happening” I thought. There is no way in hell my grandmother is back there calling out my name in the middle of a funeral. “Maybe it’s just my imagination” I thought. After all, it had been an extremely exhausting morning, spending nearly 45 minutes trying to convince her that she would –surely– be arrested, if she didn’t come in from out on her 5th floor terrace with no panties on– doing the Soldier Boy. Her building has horrible reception and BET is the only station she gets. With that said, I was sure that I was just hearing things. Then, about 3 minutes later in the middle of the rabbi’s sermon I heard it again, only this time a little louder… “Brett.” I could’ve just died right there. “Why in the hell is she calling out my name?” By now I could hear the murmur in the room as people literally stopped mourning to figure out what was going on. I just wanted to melt under my pew, and at the same time I was conflicted. From where I sat, there was no way possibly for me to get to her without stopping the whole service and bringing attention to myself. Since the funeral would be over shortly, I figured if I just ignore it she’ll stop. When the lady beside me asked what all the commotion was I just replied, “I don’t know…I think it’s some crazy Black lady back there” and then began nervously studying the obituary, as if there was going to be a pop quiz when we were done.
Moments later, the rabbi asked that we all bow our heads as he led us in prayer. Suddenly, in the middle of the prayer, at the top of my grandmother’s lungs she yells…“BRETT!!! Nigga you hear me calling you!!” I completely shrieked. When I opened my eyes everyone in the entire room was looking directly at me. Since we were the only two Black people there, I guess they eventually put two and two together. The rabbi then looked directly at me and said into the microphone, “I take it you’re Brett? I think someone back there wants you.” Stuck in the middle of the crowded pew, I had no choice but to respond to her from my seat. Yelling back and forth across the crowded room, the following is the exact transcript of our conversation:
Me: Yes Grandma…what do you need?
Grandma: I’m ready to go!
Me: Uhm…okay Grandma. We’re almost done…can you wait a few minutes?
Grandma: Wait my ass! I want a hamburger!
Me: Grandma, we can get you a hamburger as soon as we leave. But do we really have to talk about this now. We’re at a funeral!
Grandma: I don’t give a damn where we at. These honkies ain’t talkin’ bout’ sh*t…up in here no way! I said I want a hamburger!
Not being able to take it anymore, the rabbi finally interjected and said, “Brett, I think she really does want that hamburger.” The next thing I knew, they had paused the entire funeral service to let me out, so that I could get my grandmother out of the building. Never in my life have I been so damn embarrassed, including the time that client caught me butt naked on his toilet playing Ms. Pacman. And can you believe that on the way back to the car, with all the news cameras flashing at us, she had the nerve to say to me “Uhh… Brett, what was the name of this place? That really was a nice funeral”.
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I’m sorry sir but one post a week won’t do. I don’t think anyone in my office has heard me hurl this loud in my time here. My calm quiet girl facade has been demolished thanks to this post and Yvonne speaking Chinese and heck the whole site.
T ILoveit: No Thank you for making my Monday morning! Thanks so much for the amazing compliments, and you must know I get blamed here for getting a LOT of folks in trouble at work. If you read the comments, that seems to be the consensus. LOL
Brett, thanks you a thousand times for this, it had me in tears! Man, you are a fool……I love it!!!
Brett…nigga you hear me calling you! That is a black grandma fasho!! I LOVE IT…ps. per your email I did pass this site on to my friends in L.A.
RT Flashynista: LOL It most definitely is a black grandmother. And thanks for passing m along. When I make it to the Emmy’s you HAVE to be my guest.
RT Rodney: Man thank you for the support. So glad you loved it.
I’ve never laughed this hard at a blog post! The fat aunt trying to hurl herself into the casket is a great image. The Ikea catalog really makes the line funny. I love your grandmother. Way to go, Brett.
Brett, truly it s a joy to read your work. A break from the monotony of phones ringing, my staff calling and somehow, I think they share your grandma’s behavior. LOL, have turned some of my coworkers on to your site and they love it. Keep it coming!
U’ve done it once again. My side is hurting…
RT Phedra: I always know it’s a slam dunk when I get your side hurting.
RT Kaemanje: Thanks a million for sharing B&TC with your co workers. That’s so cool man.
RT Ginny: I’m honored that I can make you laugh so hard. And as far as the fat aunt hurling herself into the casket, you’ve hot to go to a black funeral to witness it first hand. LOL
Hey nice meeting you today. I gotta tell you that you do have talent. Thanks, I needed a laugh and you sure did have me in laughing loud that my kids came in the room to make sure everything was ok. I will continue to read you every week and thanks for letting me know about your blog.
That’s was too funny, I laughed out LOUD and just woke somebody up–oh, the adventures we’re going to have in “the city” i can’t wait!!!
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HHAAAA!!!!!
Oh please, oh please, let your life get turned into a sitcom!!
Monica: It was great meeting you as well. I’m glad you got a good laugh from my expense.
Creative Cookie: Sorry about causing you to wake up folks and I look forward to having you on the B&TC Journey..
Phoenix Rising: LOL My life already is a sitcom. Minus the Thursdaynight slot and the $2 million per episode salary.
OMG, as a Jewish woman I can just picture the entire scene. It’s quite different than you’re used to, I’m sure, and, well, sounds like it was a little boring for your Grandma.
Thanks for the laugh!
#DEAD ROLLING on floor in STITCHES!! TOO MUCH!! WOW!! So many try to be funny but you MURH DERED (pronounce that in thick West-Indian accent). Lol..you need to be writing scripts or something. Seriously, this tickled me deep!! Yuh gramma a trip!! Keep up the great work, I will make sure to read your blog in quiet places so ppl won’t be looking like I lost mi mind.
Brett, You have manage to do it again I was laughing so hard I was drinking water and like to got choked. Thank you for the many laughts you share with us all every day. THank You!
You are a fool!
YOU ARE SO GOOD!!! I really like your style. I will share this with others. You are on your way brother…..your white friend…..Gary
Love it love it love it — could totally visualize every moment of it.
As I was raised Jewish, have attended my share of Jewish funerals, and yes it is like an Amway conference at the Comfort Inn — bang on description!!!
Brett. I could so visualize this and felt like I was there with you under the pew with you asking if you were getting punked. Your grandmother seems like a hoot. Did you ever get her that hamburger?
i wonder what kind of cheese she got on it?
GRANDMA GRANDMA GRANDMA…..SHE WOULD A GOT BLASTED…..I LOVE HER/SHE IS OMG////IS THIS YOUR MOMS MOM? I SEE THIS FINE ASS ELDERLY LADY ABOUT 75-80 WITH A TIGHT LITTLE SANDERS BODY AND A CROOKED WIG-SMOKING A JOINT AND COCKING HER HEAD TO THE SIDE SAYING ,”NIGGA WHAT?-NIGGA BOO, YOU BETTER GET ME OUT OF DIS PLACE.”
WELL BRETT I THINK THAT THIS WAS THE BEST. MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU WOULD GO THE RIGHT THING
My dude, you are a very talented writer. I can see the picture of you and your grandma in the situation you described and through the laughter and tears I found myself feeling sorry for you. That sh@t is embarassing as all hell. Please continue to enlighten us on your unfortunate comical situations. They are worth my extremely valuable time.
OMG that was the funniest thing I have read in a LONG time! I hope u got her some fries too LOL!
Wowzers! You gotta love Grandma’s
they aint talkin bout shit..lol you a fool homey! i enjoyed it.
LOL sounds like my sweet grandma Zola!!!
Brett, this was humor at is best. Thanks for the blog. I actually laughed out loud.