To those of my readers who are always sending me emails asking whether or not the Brett and the City stories are true, I can honestly say that I wish that I had that much creativity in this little head of mine. If I did, I sure as hell wouldn’t be selling copiers for a living. The truth of the matter is that sometimes I swear that if it weren’t for bad luck, I’d probably have none at all. I can literally just be walking down the street minding my own business, and somehow some way craziness just always has a way of seeking me out.
Growing up as a child I used to think that I was somehow cursed, however now I realize that’s not the case at all. It’s pretty evident that God obviously just has a warped sense of humor, and for some crazy reason he just thoroughly gets a kick out f*cking with me. It’s the only possible explanation.
Case in point; this past Tuesday morning I had a copier appointment in Brooklyn Heights. The prospect I was meeting with sent message that he was running a half an hour late, and so I decided to stroll down to the neighborhood Starbucks just to kill some time. Since I knew the area pretty well, instead of taking the main streets I decided to take a little detour through one of the really nice residential blocks so that I could see all of the cool brownstones along the way.
The weather was a perfect 78 degrees, and since it was only 10 am there was virtually no one else on the block, which is a rare occurrence for New York. As I was bopping down the street in my new slightly irregular suit I just got on sale from the Justin Beiber collection at Kohl’s, contemplating life and being thankful that I still managed to keep my job after accidentally buying my boss a set of anal beads for her birthday; I could’ve swore that I heard something that sounded a lot like chickens clucking a few yards ahead. However, with the sheer likeliness of that being possible here in New York City; I basically just paid it no mind– assuming it was obviously either just my imagination, or another relapse from that really bad batch of shrooms someone slipped me in the 10th grade.
Suddenly just as I was passing this really cool modern looking house in the middle of the block, the absolute unbelievable happened. From out of nowhere these four big ass chickens came darting out from around the gate and then started coming straight at me full speed. I could literally not believe what my eyes were seeing. My first thought was “Dammit, it’s the shrooms again!â€Â But the second those enormous birds started pecking and clawing me at the ankles, I quickly realized “Oh shit Brett, this is really happening!â€
Now we all know that there’s really pretty much no telling what you might see on any given day here in New York. I once saw two homeless men spooning on the ground next to a Dairy Queen dumpster, after not even ten minutes before having just nearly fought each other to the death over an old Burger King snack wrap. But never in a million years would you expect to be walking down the street and suddenly get ambushed by a flock of chickens. This was even a first for New York.
To make matters even worse, it just so happens that I’ve actually been clinically diagnosed with ornithophobia; which is basically a deathly fear of birds. Every since that time I got attacked by that crazed ravenous pigeon when I was six for intentionally pissing on his nest. I guess you can say I had an unusually powerful aim for a kid, coupled with a really horrible babysitter. Anyway… by the time that pigeon let me loose, I could barely even watch Tweedy Bird without pissing my pants and hiding under my bed. So you can only imagine just what was going through my mind the moment I saw those four big fifty pound chickens coming after me. As far as I was concerned it might as well had been Chucky the doll, accompanied by those three demon dogs from I am Legend. Because I couldn’t have possibly been any more gripped with fear.
This was my most absolute worst nightmare come straight to life. So naturally I did what any one else would do faced with a life or death situation. I dropped my briefcase and took off running like a bitch. To my surprise, the damn chickens actually took off running after me. They were clearly on some kind of a mission. I could not believe what was happening. Here I am running down the street like a mad man, in my new slightly irregular Justin Beiber suit, with a pack of angry chickens hot on my ass. In that moment I couldn’t help but think to myself, “Wow God…Really?â€
Now I don’t know if these were just ordinary chickens, or if they were somehow genetically engineered, but these damn chickens were fast as hell. I was running as fast as I humanly could, but I swear every time I turned around it seemed like their little chicken legs were gaining on me. Next, I did the absolute unthinkable. That thing that every single white woman does in every horror film ever made. I accidentally tripped and fell. And unfortunately by the time I finally made it back to my feet, it was too late. The chickens had all split up and within an instant had now cornered me off execution style, just like the lions do in the jungle.
It was the craziest thing I’d ever seen in my life. Almost like they had practiced it before. I thought “Shit… these are the most organized damn chickens I’ve ever seen.â€Â It was as if they had stayed up all the night before running scrimmages. Then suddenly as if on cue, they all started moving in for the kill. It’s funny too because when faced with death, it really is true what they all say. Because in an instant I actually saw my entire life flash before my eyes. I remember thinking, “Wow, is that where I left that damn TV remote?â€
My heart was beating so fast that I literally thought it was going to jump out of my chest. I thought “Oh Lord…please tell me this isn’t how it ends?â€Â There was still so much more I wanted to do in life like: going fishing in the Himalayas with my future father in law, or cutting a Grammy winning Christmas album with Jay Z. I thought it can’t all just end like this. Whenever I get really nervous I have this somewhat rare disorder that causes me to just pass out cold. So I prayed then and there “Whatever you do Little Baby Jesus…please don’t let me pass out now?” Because there was no telling what kind of sick and depraved things these devil chickens would do to my lifeless corps. I could already see the headlines, “Brooklyn Guy Dies after Chicken Gang-bang Scene Goes Terribly Wrong†or “Little Black Man Killed by 4 Angry Cocksâ€. This was somehow not the legacy that I wanted to leave my family.
Determined not to go out as some chicken’s bitch, with no other choice I began hurling my arms and kicking my legs trying to fight them off. The big grey one who obviously was the ring leader must’ve given them the signal, because the next thing I knew they all took to the sky for an airborne attack. I was so not expecting that one, so naturally I let out a loud white woman scream. Having heard my scream, some of the neighbors eventually came out to see what all the commotion was. Now cut to me: this little 5’6†black guy in an all white neighborhood fighting a pack of chickens in the middle of the street. This was technically no longer a good day.
Then believe it or not, one of the old ladies who came out actually had the nerve to yell out from her stoop “Hey… what are you doing to those chickens? Leave those Chickens alone!!â€Â I thought “WTF… lady you have got to be kidding me?” I’ve been accused of a lot of things in my day, but never before have I been accused of harassing chickens. Racism is really a funny thing. Because no matter how far we’ve come as a people, there’s even finally a Black man in The White House; but the mere second white folks see a brother scuffling in the street with a few chickens, they instantly go right back to slavery. I’m clearly out here being pecked to death by a bunch of cocks. Yet in her mind all she sees is Chicken George out for the take. I furiously snapped back “You crazy bitch this ain’t Roots! I like my chicken on a plate next to two sides and a biscuit! Not flying at my damn throat!â€
It was clear that none of the people were going to help me and unfortunately I had left my pepper spray back in my briefcase. But I somehow remembered reading that chickens were afraid of water. So thinking fast on my feet and with no other weapon in sight, I quickly whipped out my penis and started pissing on the chickens. Sure it was a little unorthodox, but it was the only thing I could do to keep them at bay. So now here I am, a little black guy in a suit in an all white neighborhood, standing in the middle of the street pissing on chickens. I knew someday that powerful razor like aim would come in handy for something other than shooting ice-sickles down from the back of my mom’s garage.
Eventually the owners of the chickens finally came out and rescued me from their killer birds, who after a thousand apologies I later learned had done this several times before. As it turned out, the chickens belonged to some young eccentric couple who, despite the fact that Trader Joe’s was just two blocks away, decided to raise their own chickens for the fresh eggs. I guess organic just isn’t good enough for some people. I thought “Now ain’t this a bitch? I literally almost just lost my freaking life, just so your damn kids can have fresh omelets in the morning.â€
I finally made it back over to my big appointment. And the second I walked in all scratched up and covered with chicken feathers, and not to mention piss running down the front of my good Beiber slacks, with his mouth wide open my client asked “Oh my Lord… what on earth happened?â€Â Imagine how crazy I must’ve looked when I simply replied “Oh, I just got attacked by some run away chickens.â€
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LOL
Thanks for the comment Beautiful Lady!
This is absolutely hilarious! I laughed so hard my eyes are tearing. My dog got so scared he left the room. And I like the way you resolved the story by going back to your good aim at pissing. Nice symmetry. (In your story.)
Ginny: Thanks soooo much for the compliments and please apologize to your poor dog on my behalf. I knew my “gift” would somehow serve me later on in life.
Yet again you got me dying in public. Great storyteller dude.
Thanks Drk Blue
You crazy bitch this ain’t Roots! LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!! priceless! I swear I need to spend like 3 hours just watching the mess that happens to u I know I would laugh harder then ever!!!
Jen: If so I’m not sure if you’d end up laughing or crying. LOL still get mad when I walk by that damn house. Thanks so much for all of your continued support!
“I could already see the headlines…” LMAO. Man I can go home now! That was extremely funny! Like Jenny, …tearing up at the visuals of you in the suit (for some reason I visualized pearl colored), etc. Now everytime I walk on one of the BH streets I am going to be looking both ways for attack chickens. Great job Bro!
Charles: I’ll make it even easier for you. Stay off Wycoff between Court and Smith. The really modern looking house with the cool gate around it. LOL Thanks so much man. Glad you enjoyed this weeks episode. And thanks even more for all of your support since the beginning.
This piece is sickly terrific!
Akil: Thanks for the compliment!
okit’s official…. myy besat friend /blogger extroidinare Dai Mayers (alovelydai) and I are taking u out to lunch or dinner when we get to NY. I have fam in BK and the City…. u keep me rolling in boring ass Baltimore, and I love your creativity and sense of humor coupled with the sarcasm…lordy… you are a fly writer to know
loveu!!
-Tanisha
Tanisha: Wow I’d be honored to hang out with you ladies. I absolutely love meeting my readers. They are more so than not just as inappropriate and wacky as me.
Please hit me up on twitter when you guys are here. I’ll warn you tho.. I am not a cheap date. (OK… so maybe I am) LOL
I laughed so hard I damn near peed myself. This is the first time I’ve read your blog but it definitely won’t be the last.
You did it again; started my day with a laugh!!
Tracey: Thanks so much for stopping by “The City”. And sorry about you peeing yourself. Make sure to check out all the stuff in the archives. And we hope to see you back next Monday.
Thanks for all the continued support.
Janice: Thanks Janice. That’s exactly why I’m here.
OMG BWAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
*mental note to self – pee BEFORE reading Brett’s stories* Lawd have mercy, you are a hoot!
I am sitting here reading this laughing and crying all at the same time. I have fallen on the floor,bent over in pain from laughter and now the back of me head hurts…. You are just too funny. Much love
Tia: Thanks… judging by the comments for so0me reason there seems to be a lot of peeing going on in relation to this post. LOL
Thanks!
Nicky: Hahahaha If only I had a picture of that. LOL I guess that’s why people always say you should never read Brett and the City at work.
I saw my name above & I was like “How they find me here?” Then I saw it was my bestie…love me some her! Yes, we have to meet up…your treat!
Now as for this story…I’m crying fowl (get it foul/fowl) HA I crack me up!
Alovelydai: LOL If I’m treating we’ll all be at Burger King having one if those snack wraps. I thinks it’s pretty evident that I’m not really doing all that well on the “Copier Sales” side of things. LOL!!
Why am I not surprised! Wouldn’t chickens chase a brother in New York, just sayin…. Shockingly though you admit to wearing Beiber slacks…LMBO!!!
Brett – all I can say is stay away from ducks at Prospect Pond – they will probably have their way with you (inspite of the killer pee stream) – LOL
Ok, its 5AM, I can’t sleep and I’m reading about ur near deadly chicken attack! Not a good move for me cuz laughin wld wake my bed partner!!!!
Charvette: But they are some really snazzy slacks tho. LOL Thanks
Arlene: Point taken.. I put ducks in the bird category so I am deathly afraid of them too.
Sonya: LOL Please don’t wake up the house on my account. LOL Thanks Sonya
Brett, really —the Justin Beiber collection at Kohl’s! Lol! A grown man in Ken doll sized clothes. You are a nut!
brett you need a couch meaning psychological help, where does this stuff come from get some prozac
LMAO
Delicious: So I’ve been told once or twice… or weekly. LOL Thanks for the love
LMAO.. I HATE YOU
personally I think they took out on you… by that I mean we, as a people have had many many many of their brothers & sisters… with a side of mashed potato’s… PAY BACK IS A *ITCH. ROFLMFAO
Paula: Chicken retribution… I love it!! LMAO!!!! That’s sooooo hilarious.
LMAO @ organized chickens practicing their attack! Dude ur crazy. Got me on the bus cracking up again! BTW- where the hell is Diary Queen? And I think I will stroll by that house next time I go to my fave sushi spot.
Tenine: It was extremely tramatic. I’d advise staying as far away from that block as humanly possible. LOL Thanks Babe!!!
Brilliant – simply brilliant
Yo ass aint never stepped in Kohls to buy nothn, let alone a juston beiber suit! Lol (imagine me laughing loud and chest hurting!). You gave your boss anal beads?! Lol! (imagine me laughing with a raspy voice and choking!) You stupid!
Carmel: I will try Carmel but it seems to me you might need medical attention. LOL Thanks so much!!!
That is the funniest thing I ever read!!!……dude, where do you get these stories from? I JUST FOUND ONE OF YOUR ARTICLES ON FACEBOOK ABOUT THE STARING BABY, WHICH IN TURN LEAD ME TO YOUR COLUMN………”YOU NOW HAVE A FAN FOR LIFE” other than the death of my brother earlier this year, you’re the only man to bring tears down my face……..with that said…..thanks!!! and keep them coming!!!
Antonio: Man thanks so much for the amazing compliments. And my deepest regards for the loss of your brother. Laughter is most def therapy my man and I am so glad to be able to provide assistance in any way I can. Please make sure to like the FB page and hit me on Twitter for my upcoming projects and appearances.
Funny. I work in TV so I rarely laugh. This story made me spit out coffee all over my Blackberry. So that means when you get rich and famous.. guess who will be sending you an invoice?
Brett seriously dude you are the worlds best kept secret. I need whoever you work for to give you a raise omg wow really dude just the visual of you pissin on the chickens was more than I could take especially when the lady told you to leave the chickens alone I lost it ____________________________________________ FLATLINED.com LMFAO!!!!
Yes Eddie I’m afraid they can be a tad bit racist in BK Heights.. LOL Thanks for the Brett and the City Love…
I just found your site…..you are just hilarious….! LMPRAOOOOOOOO !