Water Anyone?

Published under The Comedy Series.

I have to be unarguably the worst copier salesmen in the world.  I always have the best intentions, but no matter how hard I try, everything always seems to go completely wrong.  This morning I had a very important meeting with the CFO of Hearst International.  After stalking him by phone for literally 13 months, I was finally granted 10 minutes to come in and pitch him on our new line of MFP’s.

I arrived 15 minutes early.  When I have a really big meeting, it helps to have a few extra minutes to prepare.  The office was stark white and much grander than I had imagined.  I walked over to the receptionist, a middle-aged Jewish woman, and said in my best business voice, “Good Morning, Brett Sanders here to see Mr. Oliver.”  She explained that he was on a call, and asked me to take a seat.  I began going over my presentation while I waited; after all practice makes perfect.  The receptionist was soon called away somewhere, and while she was gone I realized I was a bit thirsty.  I noticed a big water cooler over in the corner of the room, but when I went over I discovered the tank was empty.  Since no one else was around, I figured I might as well just change it myself.  Although I had never changed one before, I thought how difficult could it be?  I’ll just grab myself a little water, and in the process score a few brownie points with the old lady.  I figured, she’d love the fact that I wasn’t afraid to show a little initiative.  You see it’s little things like that, which separate sales guys like me from the amateurs.

I removed the empty water jug and placed it on the floor, and then peeled the cap from the refill sitting beside it.  Having seen it done literally dozens of times before, it’s really pretty simple.  The idea is to lift the container up over your shoulder, and down into the cooler in one fell swoop.  As I bent down to lift the huge 40 gallon jug of water, I quickly realized it was quite a bit heavier than I had anticipated.  Judging by the sheer weight, it was pretty evident, this was a job that would require razor like speed and accuracy.  With that being said I squatted down in my suit, and with both hands proceeded to lift the heavy water jug.  With a big heave-ho, I managed to swing the heavy jug over my shoulder.  As I was coming down swiftly to place it into the base, I somehow missed the whole damn water cooler; dousing the front of my body with roughly 4 gallons of water.  I had no idea water could shoot so fast out of such a small little hole.  After a few second of struggling, I finally managed to flip the gushing container back right side up.   Attempting to swing this now wet jug over my shoulder again into the cooler, the entire thing somehow goes flying out my hands across the room.  Now here I am chasing this 40 gallon jug of water around the waiting room, with literally gallons of water gushing out all over the place.  This was somehow not the way I imagined it going in my head.  By the time I finally managed to get the runaway jug back into the cooler, believe it or not, the damn thing was completely empty.  I thought, “WTF?”

At this point the receptionist finally comes back in.  She opens the door and the first thing she sees is 40 gallons of water all over the floor, and me soaked from head to toe.  She yelled, “What the hell happened?”  At a loss for words, the only thing I could think to say was, “I’m sorry, I was a little thirsty.”  She took one step onto the slippery floor and completely wiped out, sailing head first into the water.  Now soaked herself, at the top of her lungs she just began screaming, “Get the f*ck out!”   Startled, I quickly grabbed my jacket and ran out the door.  As a result, I had to walk 15 blocks back to my office, completely drenched in the dead of winter.

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