One night while walking through the Lower Eastside, I stumbled on a little Latin club with a sign out front that read: $3 Tequila Shots. I didn’t have anything else to do so I went in. I was the only Black person in the entire place, so I pretty much stayed to myself at the bar. Then after about 6 shots, I eventually noticed this woman across the room in a bright red shawl sort of giving me the eye.
I could already tell from where I stood that she wasn’t all that cute. But I was drunk and by this time really horny, so naturally I said “what the hellâ€. I walked over and introduced myself, and after a few minutes of talking she finally decided to remove her shawl. Then to my surprise, suddenly out popped this little miniature baby arm with a stubby little hand on the end of it with about 3.5 fingers on it.
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Her left arm was completely normal. However, her right arm was only about 11 inches long and just sort of dangled up by her chest kind of like a T Rex. At first I thought maybe it was just me; after all I was pretty damn smashed, so I then tried to shake it off. However when I opened my eyes again the funny little dinosaur arm was still there. I thought, “WTF?â€
I was absolutely devastated. I mean, are you even allowed to just spring a little baby arm on people without some kind of a warning? This hardly seemed fair. That’s when it hit me. I, Brett Sanders had just been hoodwinked.  She purposely used the old “bait & switch†by leading with her good arm while covering up her little baby arm. My theory was that she knew very well that any descent guy with a conscious could never just run off the second she hit him with the old peek a boo. So a result, the poor guy would be trapped into staying. Dare I say it was genius; like one sick game of poker. Old One Armed Sally was calling my bluff, and I wasn’t about to fold.
So naturally I just continued on with the conversation as if everything was just normal. Score one for the kid. I even tried to pretend like I didn’t even see it at all, which was pretty damn difficult. Specially seeing how she was one of those people who constantly uses their hands to emphasize every single point. I figured she must have been on to me too, because she then suddenly began gesturing and pointing with her dead claw even more than ever. At one point she even used it to throw her hair out of her face, which after 6 shots of tequila really f*ked me up. I thought, “Touche! This bitch is obviously a professional.â€Â Nevertheless, I thought just as long as the DJ didn’t put on Madonna’s Vogue, I was determined to stand my ground.
After 3 more shots she eventually wanted to dance, so she pulled me out on the floor. Now here I am, the only brother in the place, drunk out my mind and Salsa dancing with a girl with a little T- Rex arm. Somehow this was not what I envisioned for my Saturday night. Although the entire room was doing Salsa, I knew there was no way in hell I was touching that little dead hand. So thinking fast on my feet, I immediately broke into the Electric Slide. I tried to get her to join in too, but she still insisted on trying to do her Salsa moves with me anyway. At one point she even twirled herself into me and attempted a dip, but unfortunately ended up careening backwards into a row of tables and chairs with drinks on them. Being that I’m not a total ass, out of sheer humanity, I did at least try to catch her. But unfortunate for her, she reached out to me with the wrong hand, because there was still no way in hell I was touching that nub. Thank God those bouncers were there to help her up. By the time she got herself back together, I was already back at the bar for last call.
Believe it or not, but this is where the story really gets crazy. At some point I must’ve blacked out, because when I woke up we were now both at her apartment in the Bronx getting busy. I’m pretty sure she slipped me a ruffie, because when I came to– I was literally laying on my back with her on top riding my penis. It was like that show Quantum Leap gone wrong. Now I’m not sure if it was the ruffie or the 11 tequila shots, but to my surprise it actually suddenly started to feel a little good. I mean for a one armed girl, this girl apparently had a few tricks up her sleeve.
However the only thing that kept throwing me off, was that her little baby arm just sort of dangled there the entire time. And because I was drunk, for some reason I kept thinking she was waving hello to me. So I kept saying “Hi†back. It was really starting to freak me out, so I tried to cover it up by hanging my hat on her nub, but unfortunately it just kept slipping off. I realized this position wasn’t going to work, so I then flipped her around and got on top. However now, I realized that her little claw was even closer to my face. I just couldn’t win.
I tried to just block it out of my head and get through it, but then the next thing you know she began slapping me in the face with it and yelling, “You like that..huh? You like that?â€Â This was really turning into the night from hell. The moment I felt her little clammy hand on my face I literally almost died. Trying to keep my cool I replied, “Hey… can you maybe find something else to do with that?â€Â She replied “sure.. what?”, so I added “I don’t know. Anything…but that.” Then just as I was finally about to climax, would you believe she had the nerve to lick her 2 of her little munchkin fingers and then stick them inside my mouth. Talk about a mood killer.
Not only did I scream bloody murder, if memory serves me I think I tossed her clear off me to the other side of the room. I couldn’t get out of that house fast enough. I grabbed my clothes and ran out to the curb, where I proceeded to throw up about everything I had to eat that past year. As soon as I got home, I jumped straight in the shower with all my clothes on, and sat there in the fetal position crying for nearly 3 hours. And to this day, I have still yet to have another drink.
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Brett that was amazing, every time i hear your stories I’m always picturing what i would do in those moments. I would’ve died, i had to stop eating my cereal while reading because her stub kept entering my mind and I was like hell to the naw, i would’ve flipped. hhahaha great job.
Hahaha Thanks and I’m really sorry about your cereal.
I am laughing so hard. I am snotting and tearing…Jeezus help me!!!
you are going straight to hell for this. the part where she put her nub in your mouth nearly murdered me.
DAMN YOU BRETT!!
Brett Curtis Sanders you are a straight up Fool and I love you for that! Thank you for this cause after the day I just had laughter was needed!
Where in God’s name do you come up with this stuff? This is beyond sh*ts and giggles.
RT Flashynista: Thanks and sorry about the snotting and tearing. Or perhaps I should really be apologizing to your co workers. LOL
RT Lydster: Yeah the nub in the mouth almost murdered me too. Literally. I still have Flashbacks.
RT Tricia: Your welcome baby. I’m glad to be of service.
RT Get Togetha: Beyond Shits and giggles huh? I’ll most definitely take that. Thanks for the support.
Brett you have always been a great story teller. This one was hilarious! Reminds me of the times in ATL! Love you keep up the good work!
Too many shenanigans for me this early in the day. I’m up in my office hollering! My staff probably thinks I’m crazy. This is hilarious. I’m just waiting for you to get a television show. I’ll definitely be watching! Laughter is the best medicine, keepp supplying my fix! LOL!
WOW! That was hilariously inappropriate & I loved it.
A Mess….You never let me down….hahahahaha….The dead hand….lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks so much to both Lex and Lexa.. I aim to please.
RT Akua: Thanks so much and my apologies to your staff. Hopefully you will see my stories on TV one day soon.
RT Kory: Thanks baby.. those ATL days were definitely some GOOD times.
OMG! I am giggling like crazy over here!!! I’ve looked forward to Mondays before….I do now!
I meant to say…I’ve never looked forward to Mondays….
Wow Ali… Now, you actually look forward to Monday’s… Now THAT’S what you call a compliment. Thanks so much..
you should have used this photo:
http://www.imdb.com/media/rm3586038016/tt0257106
What a way to start my Friday! I am SO TICKLED by this story!!! LMAO. I was envisioning the whole thing as I read it…as if I was watching BRETT-TV. LOL…too funny, I love it!
Tbaby: Brett TV? I love the ring of that. Thanks so much. I’m glad you tuned in.. and I hope you stop back for a new episode every Monday.
Wow…thinking of that “short arm” made me think back to Scary Movie 4 when dude in the wheelchair had a freaky arm/hand like that too…this was freggin hilarious! damn my gut is hurtin!!
LMAO @
“….she reached out to me with the wrong hand.”
Trying not to laugh too loud at work.
As soon as I saw that picture I nearly cried. Your story makes the imagery that much funnier. Hilarious. Love it. Great stuff!
Haha. That was the best story ever!! (: Keep up the good work & I hate mornings.. but when I read that.. I LOVE MORNINGS now !! haha. Keep up your good work & I hope to see you on t.v. (: lol
Okay so i read this story a few days ago and just a few minutes ago i took a walk outside because i work inside a damn box and i needed some air! soooooooo as i standing outside minding my own business sending text messages i just happened to turn around and see a lady on the phone yellin all loud “THE PHONE IS UP TO MY EAR” and i do a double take and i notice she has one little arm….and she was using the little arm to hold the phone….the combo of thinkin back to this story and seeing that i burst into uncontrolable laughter and had to walk away because im 100% sure she thinks i was just laughin at her…..i just pray i never see her again! thanks for getting me hatted by a lady with a lil arm lmaoo
UZAPHOOOOL!
Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny!
OMMFG!!!! LMAOOOOOOOO Damn, well at least you didnt come to with her giving you a hand job.
ROTFLMBAO!!!!!!!!!!!! ifsomething bad id to happen it happens to you huh LOL!!! how in the world……….. you know what never mind just keep up the good work and make sure you let me know when the book is coming out LOL!!!
You can’t be serious about this story Brett! You’ve gotta be makin this stuff up it’s just too crazy!
wow the T rex arm? LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ROFLMAO!!! I will probably have mental pictures of this for the rest of the night!!! Man that was most definitely a classic.
My brudda…. I am just getting to this article and I am still crying…. dat shit was funny as hell!
I can’t stop laughing. I’m sitting at my desk — “working” — and laughing my @ss off! Thanks alot!
On to the next story…
Tia: Now I must give you fare warning that I’ve gotten a lot of folks fired from reading Brett and the City at their workplace. LOL I’ve actually been banned by some HR directors because I “decrease productivity”. Womp Womp