The Day I Got My Salad Tossed by a Dog

Monkeys & Chickens & Dogs… Oh My!  For some reason the last several episodes of Brett and the City, just by coincidence, have been about my crazy ordeals with animals.  Keeping in line with the same theme, I’d figure I might as well close out with my infamous PETA story that so many of you have asked about.

Exactly last year this time, my then girlfriend Kimberly and I decided to take a road trip to go visit her family.  Because both of her parents just happened to be born around Halloween, every year it was the Baginski family tradition for everyone to spend the weekend before together.  Since this year they were gathering at her sister’s place up in Boston; Kim thought it would be a great idea if I came along as well to finally meet everyone.  Meeting a girl’s parents was sort of a really huge deal for me.  Mainly because I had actually developed somewhat of a phobia, as a result of the traumatic event that happened the last time.  One day in the 11^th grade, Tamika Hopson invited me over to her house to meet her folks before prom.  The moment I walked in, I was beyond floored when I discovered that Tamika’s father just happened to be the cashier from The Velvet Touch; a little adult video store I used to frequent every Monday, Wed, and Friday after band practice.  Boy was I sure not expecting to see him when I walked in.  Especially seeing how I was still two weeks past due bringing back the title Busty Black Bitches who go Down Volume 32.  And to make matters even worse, he’d been calling my house all that week looking for it.  It sure as hell made for an awkward dinner conversation with the amount of evil glares coming from across the table.  Honestly, with the exception of that time I wrote that long letter to management complaining about his stupid new “3 hour browsing limit”, I thought old Gus and I were better than that.  In fact I was so intimidated to see him again, that as soon as I left I circled the block, snuck back up to the house, and slipped the tape through their mail slot along with an IOU for the $37.50 in late charges.

So naturally it goes with out saying that this time around I was extremely nervous.  There was simply no hiding the fact I really liked this girl, and I figured if things worked out well this weekend who knows; maybe she’ll even see that I am “the one” too.  After a four hour drive, we finally arrived at her sister’s place.  By the time we got there the entire family was already at the house; and from the looks of things, a few of the adults were already dressed to take the kids out trick or treating.  One by one Kim began introducing me to her family.  Her big sister Meg was dressed as Minnie Mouse, her brother in law Joseph had on a funny Michael Jackson wig, and her mom was even dressed up too as a bumble bee.  I thought, “Wow, what a lovely family.”  Finally when we got to her grandmother, I took one look at her enormous silver bouffant wig, super large frames, and her bedazzled little sweat suit and shouted “OMG the grandmother from The Nanny!  How hilarious!  Your outfit is even more ridiculous than hers!”  All of a sudden the entire room went stone silent.  At the same time her grandmother’s face turned candy apple red.

I quickly gathered from the look of sheer horror on everyone’s faces that I obviously had just said something wrong.  After almost a minute of sheer silence, Kim painfully remarked “Uh… Brett this is my grandmother Tessa, and she’s actually not wearing a costume.”  I immediately thought “Oh f*ck!”  I couldn’t believe I had made such a stupid mistake.  With everyone’s eyes still on me, attempting to save face, I quickly laughed it off and yelled “Psyche!  I knew that wasn’t a costume the whole time Grandma Tessa!  I just thought I’d pull your leg.”  Suddenly everyone in the room gasped again even louder.  I thought, “Shit, what did I say now?”  Suddenly to my surprise, after shooting me one fierce look, Grandma Tessa turned around and began limping out of the room.  Just then Kim added, “And she also lost her leg a few years back due to diabetes.  She’s still pretty sensitive about it.”  I thought, “WTF Brett?  You’re not even here for five minutes and you’ve already put your sneaker in your mouth twice.  So far this day couldn’t go any more horribly.

Attempting to ease the tension, Kimberly’s brother in law Joseph invited me over to the sofa for a much needed glass of scotch.  Before he could even pour himself a shot, I had already downed the glass and was ready for the next; anything to calm my nerves.  Their apartment was a cute little New England style flat with just two bedrooms and a small bathroom off of the living room area.  The place seemed even smaller with all of Kim’s family members all around.  I thought to myself, “Man…I thought New York apartments were small.”  Kim’s sister Meg finally came over and joined us on the sofa, followed by their little five year old daughter Taylor and their English bulldog Rupert.  It was somewhat difficult for me to focus on the conversation because for some strange reason, their dog just would not stop licking on me.  He licked everywhere on me from my hands to my face, and whenever I’d push him away he’d just come right back and start licking again.  At that point Kim’s niece Taylor, as only a child could, shouted “See…at least someone in the family likes you!”  I guess it’s true what they say, “From the mouth of babes”.

Eventually realizing that all of the licking was getting a bit out of hand, Joseph finally put the dog away.  However every time he’d try to close Rupert off in another room, without fail, seconds later he’d manage to break away and the next thing you know he was right  back licking me again.  Somewhat embarrassed, Kim’s sister remarked “Hmnh, that’s strange.  I’ve never seen him carry on like this.  You must be wearing something he likes?”  Shrugging my shoulders I replied, “Just my normal lotion.  It does have coconut oil in it.” to which she replied, “Maybe dogs likes coconut.  Go figure?”  With exception of a few evil stares from Grandma Tessa, the rest of the day pretty much went without a hitch.  By the time I woke up the next morning, I realized that the entire family was already sitting round the dining room table having bagels.  I couldn’t believe Kim had let me sleep in so long.  After delivering my morning salutations to everyone, I turned and said a special hello to Grandma Tessa; who in return just gave me the finger up and hobbled back out the room.  I thought, “This one’s definitely gonna be a hard sell.”

Upon my request, Kim’s mother gave me a towel so that I could grab a quick shower before the day’s festivities.  As soon as I walked into the little bathroom, I immediately realized that the lock on the door was broken, and as a result the stupid door wouldn’t stay shut.  I kept trying to push it to–to the best of my ability while I was brushing my teeth.  However every time I managed to do so; literally two seconds later Rupert would push his way in, followed by little five year old Taylor.  So far the morning was already off to a rather annoying start.  Kim’s brother in law was finally nice enough to pull Rupert away so that I could begin my shower in piece.  I thought, “About f*cking time!”

With everyone still around the table talking, I hopped in the tub and began my shower.  Apparently Joe must’ve gotten busy, because just as I was beginning to lather up, minutes later I felt the cold air from the door bursting open and seconds later Rupert’s big meat head was sticking through the shower curtain looking at me.  I thought, “Dammit this dog will not let me be!”  I literally wiped out twice in the tub trying to shoe the dog out, and at the same time push the door back closed with my foot.  And every single time, he’d just come right back in.  Realizing that the only way I was going to be able to finish my shower with the door closed was just to let him stay in there with me, I reached out my leg and pushed the door to again with my foot. “Finally I can finish my damn shower.” I thought.

As soon as I stepped out of the tub, as anticipated, old Rupert was waiting for me.  He immediately started in on me with the licking again.  It was almost nearly impossible to dry off and lotion up, and fight Rupert’s advances off at the same time.  A couple of times he even got a taste of my Johnson, and words can’t believe to describe actually how weird that felt.  In all the commotion, I accidentally knocked my cell phone off the edge of the toilet.  As soon as it hit the ground the back flew one way and the battery went another.  I thought, “Dammit, I just got this phone.”  With no choice I immediately bent over to try to pick up the pieces that had bounced in back of the toilet, meanwhile still fighting with Rupert all the while.  Next, the absolute unbelievable happened.  As I was bending over the toilet to search for my battery, my towel slipped down exposing my ass.  Then as if on cue; Rupert to my astonishment, darts over and starts licking the crack of my ass.  Believe it or not, but suddenly…in that exact moment, little Taylor just happened to come barging through the door looking for Rupert.  She took one look at me bent over the toilet and Rupert licking the crack of my naked ass and let out a loud scream.  Startled, I whipped around to see what was going on, only to discover the bathroom door swung wide open, and Kim’s entire family sitting around the dining room table looking Rupert and I with their mouth’s hung wide open.  I think it’s safe to say that was pretty much the end of the trip from that point on.

Kim and I drove all the way back to New York in complete silence, and from the time she dropped me off we actually never spoke again.  About three weeks later, I just happened to be going through my mail and discovered a letter from PETA addressed to me.  I thought, “What’s this?  They must be asking for money.”  I opened the letter and to my astonishment read that due to a “reported event” from one “Tessa Baginski”; PETA was now pressing charges on me for sexually molesting and having oral sex with a canine.  I thought, “That old peg legged bitch!”

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