Street Hookers: The New Endangered Species

Not too long ago in the distant past; if you wanted to see a hooker, all you had to do was step outside your door and head to the nearest red light district.  Back in the 90’s, Time Square at night was like a being on a hooker safari.  Hoes were everywhere, as far as the eye could see; all different kinds too.  There were short ones, tall ones, small ones, fat ones.  There were young ones, old ones, dumb ones, Black ones.  Even little midget ones, but for some reason they always ran you a little extra.

Now when you walk among all the Disney Stores, Wax Museums, and TGIF’s of Time Square: a guy can’t help but wonder “Hey; where did all the hoes go?”  Did they all just die out?  If so, where is their Discovery Channel special?  Where is their Sally Struther’s infomercial, telling us that for a mere $2 dollars a day, we can keep an old whore on the streets of New York City?

Like everything else in this world, all the whores have gone digital.  I guess they said, if it was good enough for Barack’s election campaign, it’s good enough for them.  I can’t even turn on my computer now, without some girl named Fancygirl30 or Ladylove119 propositioning me via email, IM, and now they’re even on Skype.  Talk about frustrating.  What’s the world coming to when a guy can’t even watch internet porn in peace?

Truthfully, I don’t think I’m on board with this whole new breed of “stay at home whores”.  Call me old fashioned, but I just don’t think that prostitution is really a telecommuting type of business.  Now days, any girl with a Facebook account and a Samsung Instinct thinks she’s qualified to be a hooker.  In the words of my granddad, “Hoes just ain’t what they used to be.”

God knows growing up I hated those speeches from my mother, telling me how easy we had it compared to her generation, and all that they had to do.  But those speeches made me a better person.  I can’t help but wonder: where are their speeches?  Somewhere in this country, there has to be an old hooker saying to her daughter:

You young hoes are lazy!  Back when I was hookin, I had to walk 22 miles in the snow just to find one good trick.  And I was grateful for that $11 dollars… cause you know back then they could give you an IOU.

Or:

What the hell is PayPal?  In my day, we had a pimp!  What you gonna do if you need protection?  Send an email?  All this new self-hoeing ain’t right I tell you.  It ain’t nothing but the devil!

I believe in the whole ecosystem theory that if one thing disappears, we throw off the entire balance of the planet.  Just like rain forests, the ozone layer, and silver back gorillas; street hookers are a vital part of this planet.  And we need to do all that we can to ensure their survival.

Please send in $22 to get your very own “Save the Street Hoes” tee shirt.

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