So Maybe I Am a Racist: Case of the Missing Vodka

One day last week while cleaning up my place, I came to a startling realization.  I suddenly noticed that the two bottles of Absolute that normally sat untouched on top of my bar were now somehow mysteriously empty.  This really freaked me out; mainly because I live alone.  Since I pretty much never drink at home; I just normally keep liquor there for the rare case I decided to entertain; I realized that this could only mean one thing.  Someone had broken into my home when I wasn’t there.  The thought alone instantly sent shivers through my body.  With the exception of that time my ex girlfriend’s Pit-bull ran up and licked the crack of my ass when I was getting out of her shower; I had never felt so violated before in my whole life.

Whenever you’ve been robbed, the very first thing you should always do is immediately go make sure all of your valuables are safe.  So I quickly dashed to my secret hiding place in my room to make sure that my midget porn collection was still there.  To my surprise it was still safe and sound; all 62 DVD’s.  Even the autographed limited edition one I got from Bridget the Midget herself, a week before she scarred her left breast in that big legendary knife fight.  Talk about priceless.  I realized right then that I was obviously dealing with an amateur.  After checking the rest of my place and finding everything still there, I thought “Hmnh…that’s strange.  The only thing that seems to be missing is the vodka.  Who on earth would go through the trouble of breaking in just to drink up my vodka?”  And that’s when it hit me.  It was obviously one of those damn doormen.  Since they both have master keys to all of our units in case of emergency, not to mention they’re the only ones who knew my comings and goings; it made perfect sense.

Since there were two of them I needed to figure out which one of them was the culprit.  Seeing how the bottle of Hennessy I had sitting there was still virtually untouched; I knew right then that it was no way in hell that it was the brother.  So that only left the old shifty eye Russian one that’s always giving me the once over when I walk by.   Russian guy…Vodka… it didn’t exactly take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.  I was beyond furious so I called up the management office and raised all kind of hell; as a result, they came right over to my place for an emergency meeting.  I showed them the empty bottles; explained the scenario; and then demanded that they go have the jerk arrested.  However, they explained that legally there was really nothing they could do without actual proof that it was indeed Ivan.  Since the only way to do that was to catch him dead in the act; they devised an ingenious plan to put a hidden camera in the house.  That way, if he broke in again the next day we would have him.

So that evening we replaced both bottles of vodka, and then mounted a little hidden camera on the wall.  I then went to work that next morning just as I normally do as not to tip him off.  I could barely even concentrate all that day just imagining everything I was going to do to that bastard when I caught him.  I thought, “Should I kick his ass first and then call the police; or do call the police and then kick his ass?”  Either way he was getting his ass kicked.  I even spent my entire lunch hour in the gym that day jumping rope and busting out  a few push-ups.  I figured I better get my agility up just in case the little bitch made a run for it.  Right after work, I high-tailed it back home as quick as I could.  I ran straight to my apartment and low and behold; just as I suspected one of the bottles was  nearly empty.  I now had all the proof I needed.  Fuming mad, I ran out to the doormen station to confront him.  I shouted “Mutha’ F*ka  I finally caught you!  Get ready because I’m about to whoop yo’ thieving Russian ass!”  I then charged at Ivan going full speed.  I honestly wasn’t prepared for what came next.  Ivan did some quick little move I hadn’t anticipated, and the next thing I knew; I was pinned in a headlock screaming “Get him off me!  Get him off me!” to the Black guy.  I had no idea Russians could fight so good.  I imagine that’s why they make such good spies.

The police were eventually called because of all the commotion, along with the two original guys from the management office.  Since Ivan still insisted on denying everything, we all went inside my apartment to review the tape.  I explained to the officers since I left for work at 9am they’re sure to find him somewhere on there between then and now.  I then gave Ivan the most evil look I could muster while we all waited for the officer to cue up the tape.  As he slowly rewound the footage with us all looking at the monitor, there was absolutely zero activity on there between those hours.  I thought, “Wow, how in the hell did he manage to do that?”  Now more pissed than ever, I exploded “Great!  He obviously saw you guys come back last night with the bag from Radio Shack and was on to us!  That asshole must’ve erased the tape!”  Just as Ivan and I were beginning to argue again, the officer cuing the tape interjected, “Guys, I think we got something here.”  We all turned back to view the monitor.

The officer went back to 3:30am on the tape and I literally could not believe what I saw.  To my surprise; all of a sudden I appeared on screen walking from my bedroom in sort of this strange sleep-like trance, wearing nothing but a t-shirt and my little tidy whiteys.  I then walked over to the cabinet and took out a martini glass and a shaker, along with some other ingredients from the fridge.  Next, I went over to the bar and proceeded to make myself a full out cosmopolitan, garnish and all.  It was unbelievable.  I thought “WTF??  I don’t even like cosmopolitans.”  To everyone’s dismay, I knocked four of them back and less than ten minutes.  Standing there watching myself, I thought “Wow, not only am I a raging drunk in my sleep; apparently I’m a gay one too.”  After everything was over, still in my trance I went over to the sink and washed everything up and put it back neatly in its place.  Finally, I then staggered back to my room and shut the door again.  I swear this had to be the spookiest thing I’ve ever seen.  If I didn’t see it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t have believed it.  But then again, I guess it does kind of explain those few times I woke up in my bathtub wearing nothing but my some dress socks and a rape whistle.  Not to mention all those damn excruciating morning headaches.

Everyone began instantly looking at me.  Talk about awkward.   At a complete loss for words; the only thing I left to say was, “Hey…since we’re all here, would anyone care for drink?  Apparently I make one hell of a Cosmo.”  None of them thought the joke was funny whatsoever.  Then, just as I was in the middle of my apology to poor Ivan, believe it or not, it suddenly got even worse.  The officer cuing the tape replied, “Uhh.. guys, there’s actually more here.  You might want to see this.”  I thought, “What the hell else could there be?”  At exactly three minutes later on the tape, I suddenly emerged from my room again; only this time with one of my midget porn DVD’s in my hand.  I shrieked to myself “Oh God no!”  Still sleep walking, I headed directly over to the DVD player and popped the disk in.  Next to everyone’s astonishment; I took off all my clothes and then proceeded to do the most lewd and despicable “self love” session probably ever caught on camera.  I’m sure of-course every guy has a little freaky side in them.  But this stuff made that infamous sex scene between Mickey Rourke and Lisa Bonet in Angel Heart, look more like a Disney film.  It was so disgusting I just wanted to drop to my knees right then and start doing Hail Marys, and I’m not even Catholic.  It was almost impossible to watch.  I used random stuff around the house as props, and pieces of furniture for positions that required leverage.  One move, for some crazy reason even required me to get a running start.  That was the point that everyone just winced, “Ouch”.  At one point it got so bad that the two officers even had to look away.  When you can weird out two NYPD officers, who’ve no doubt seen some of the most horrific crime scenes known to man: that is technically not a good thing.

The situation was so awkward, that when the tape was over nobody literally said a word including the two officers.  Everyone just sort of walked out in silence without making eye contact with one another, no doubt in hopes of forgetting everything they’d just seen.  As soon as they all left, the very first thing I did was go put on a rubber glove and immediately throw all my remotes in the trash.  It was pretty damn clear after seeing what I did with them on that tape that I was never touching those again.  I then went to my computer and began searching through Craig’s List for a new apartment, because there’s no way in hell I can stay in this building after that.

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