Serious Guys… I Swear I’m Not a Lesbian

Last Friday night after having a few too many cocktails in the city I decided to take the A train back to Brooklyn.  Even though the A is known for being somewhat notorious late at night, I figured “Hell..I’m a guy.  What’s the worst that can happen?”  Boy was I ever wrong.

It was about 3 am so the train was pretty much a ghost town by now.  When I stumbled on to the car I immediately noticed a group of  girls huddled on the other side.  Judging by the fact that at first glance you’d swear you were looking at the Wu Tang Clan and with voices just as deep, I think it was pretty safe to assume that they were all lesbians.  Honestly, I’d never seen so many manly looking women before in my life.  Between their Timberlands; baggy jeans hung low over their boxers; and the way they pulled their caps low as they each spit their favorite Ludacris lyrics.  It suddenly dawned on me that they actually looked more masculine than me, as I sat there in my Levis skinny jeans, crisp white espadrilles, and my canary-yellow deep v-neck tee.  So naturally I leaned back in my seat and continued listening to my The Best of Mariah Carey playlist.

When the train stopped at Canal, to my surprise another group of lesbians hopped on, and believe it or not this group was even more masculine than the first.  They were all so big black and ugly that  for a second I just assumed there was another Biggie Smalls look-a-like convention in town.  Talk about thugged out.  This new group of lesbians were so tough looking they actually made the first look like The Pussy Cat Dolls.  Normally it would be every guy’s fantasy to be stuck on a subway car at 3 am with a bunch of lesbians.  However, this was certainly not one of those occasions.

Apparently the two groups were some kind of rivals, because the moment the 2^nd group got on there were lots of dirty looks flying back and forth followed by several nasty comments.  Eventually things escalated because within seconds both sides had jumped up and began squaring off right there in the center of the car.  Just as I was really starting to get into Dream Lover, I looked up and to my astonishment, everyone on the entire train was now holding weapons but me.  I gasped “WTF?”  There were knives drawn, bats out, and brass knuckles as far as the eye could see.  One girl even whipped out this big humongous 12 inch black rubber dildo with long metal spikes around the head.  Baffled, I thought “What the f*ck is she going to do with that?”  “And certainly these sex-toy companies are not using real live models to cast these things.  Because that is totally not even a realistic size.”

Suddenly from out of nowhere the ugliest one of the bunch threw the first punch.  Following, the the entire train broke into pandemonium.  Meanwhile here I am, this little 5’6 Black guy dressed in Justin Beiber wear, trapped in the middle of a big pack of lesbian gang bitches out for blood.  I thought “Dammit Brett..how in the world did you end up here?”  I had never in my life seen women fight so rough: truthfully, men either.  I saw chin checks; body blows; and bitches hitting bitches with bats.  It was like watching The Clash of the Lesbians in 3D.

It was pretty clear that the first group were no match for the second, so as soon as the train reached Hoyt Street they decided to make a run for it.  The other group took off right after them.  Completely floored over what I just witnessed, I couldn’t help but wonder “Okay, did I just accidentally stumble on some kind of secret underworld war zone?”  Hell, who knows?  Maybe big groups of lesbians have always fought each other to the death late at night on the trains when no one else was around?  Stranger things have happened.  Since Hoyt was my stop as well, I got off too.  Chuckling to myself over what I just experienced I pulled out my phone to send off a quick tweet.  But just as I was pressing send, I heard a voice yell out “There goes another one!  Get her little ass!!!”

My first thought was ” Oh snap!  They obviously found some poor straggler.  That bitch is gonna get it now!”  Then naturally I  got my phone ready to record it all for Youtube.  However when I looked up, I realized that for some reason the 2^nd group of lesbians were all running in my direction.  Within seconds they had all surrounded me execution style.  That’s when I thought “They obviously must think I saw which way she went.”  However before I could tell them I didn’t know, to my surprise the leader stepped in front and yelled “We got yo ass now bitch!”

It suddenly hit me; that for some reason these girls must have confused me for one of the lesbians.  Laughing at the obvious hilarity of the situation, I calmly explained that they had made a really funny mistake and that I actually wasn’t a lesbian at all.  Assuming then we would all have a big laugh over it all.  However instead of laughing, the leader responded with “Bitch please!  You expect us to believe that?”  Somewhat nervous at this point, and a little ticked off at the insinuation, I exclaimed again “No serious guys, I’m really not a lesbian.”; convinced it would end the whole thing.  But instead, she replied back with a sinister chuckle “Uh…Booh, you obviously ain’t the butchest one in yo’ crew.  But trust me, we all know a tired ass dike when we see one.”  She then yelled “F*ck this pretty bitch up!!”

I couldn’t believe what was happening.  This was the 2nd damn time this year someone had confused me for a lesbian.  I had to think fast.  So petrified for my life, I quickly socked the smallest one in the eye and took off running just as fast as my little skinny jeans would allow.  Now cut to me, running for my life late at night through Brooklyn with a pack of angry lesbians hot on my ass.  I had certainly seen better days.  As I ran I could hear a few of them yelling out “Catch that pretty bitch!  Let’s f*ck her face up!”  Then as luck would have it, I did that idiotic thing that every single white women does in a horror film.  I tripped over one of my espadrilles and fell on the ground.  Within seconds they were all hovered over me kicking, punching, and hitting me with sticks.  As I tried to fight them off from the fetal position, I couldn’t help but think “Wow..lesbians sure are heavy handed.”

Next, several girls pinned my arms and legs down so that I couldn’t get up.  I thought “Oh no..this can’t be good.”  The leader then stepped up again and shouted “It’s time to punish this bitch!  Break out Big Brutus!!”  And that’s when my most absolute worst nightmare came to life.  One of the girls pulled out the big black spiked dildo from earlier, while two others unbuttoned my pants.  I gasped “Oh God no!!!.”  Now at this point, you would’ve swore that Liam Neeson had just yelled “Release the Kraken”, because looking up all I could see was this gigantic black rubber monstrosity whipping back and forth in the wind.  I could even hear the sound it made as it cut the wind.  In a state of sheer panic, I called out “Jesus please be with me!” right before passing out cold.  I guess my brain had seen more than enough episodes of OZ to know I probably wouldn’t want to be conscious for what was coming next.

Suddenly in the midst of me being unconscious, I heard a voice say “Oh shit!  I guess he really isn’t a lesbian.”  As I lie there in the middle of the sidewalk with my draws still down to my ankles, it’s funny because I distinctly remember the feeling of being judged, and even hearing a few of the lesbians snickering at the size of my penis as they walked off.  When I came to moments later I was beyond furious as I gathered my self.  It’s one thing to confuse a man for a lesbian, but it’s something all together different to poke fun at the size of his penis.  Besides, it’s a scientific fact that there’s at least 4 inches of shrinkage whenever the body detects fear.   As I walked back home with one of my ripped espadrilles in my hand, I couldn’t help but think  “God damn dikes!  What the hell do they know about penises anyway?”  And the message of this story is; if your ever out partying late at night in the city and you need to get back to Brooklyn.  For God’s sake take a cab.

IF YOU LIKE THIS ARTICLE PLEASE SHARE IT!!  AND I LOVE COMMENTS SO PLEASE REMEMBER TO LEAVE ONE BELOW!