Screwed By My Boss’s Wife: Why It Never Pays to be Nice

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I got a tip from my supervisor Chris that the major account rep position I had been wanting had recently just become available.  It seems that Gracie, the little 68 year old Jewish lady that originally had the position; went on another one of her drinking binges and apparently got hit by another bus.  Since this time Gracie was going to be in traction for at least a year, the position was pretty much up for grabs.  It’s no secret that I had been after this position for a while.  However, since the owner of the company Mr. Randall is known for being somewhat distant and cold, it makes him extremely hard to warm up to.  Every single morning for the past 2 years, whenever I pass him in the hall, I always smile really big and say “Good Morning Mr. Randall!  How are you doing on this beautiful day?”  And every single morning for the past 2 years, he just looks at me with a blank face and says absolutely nothing.  Although once I got excited because I thought he was finally waving hi; but as it turns out there was just a stupid fly in the hall.

After years of trying to get into Mr. Randall’s good graces, this past Friday God finally threw me a bone.  It turned out that his wife Mrs. Randall was in the city for the day doing some shopping, and decided to drop by the office to take her husband to lunch.  Although I had never really met Mrs. Randall before, she seemed like a pretty nice woman.  Unlike her husband, she actually smiled at me as I walked by.  That’s was when it finally hit me.  I thought “Wait a minute!  Everyone knows the easiest way to a person’s heart is through their family.  If I could somehow find away to make Mrs. Randall love me; Gracie’s position would no doubt then be mine.”  Since I saw that she was expecting, it was easy.   I’d just surprise her with a really nice gift for the baby.  What lady wouldn’t get all mushy over that sh*t?  The idea was dare I say genius.  Why didn’t I even think of it before?  Since they were going out to lunch I realized I had about an hour to work my magic.  So with minutes to spare, I hit the streets of Manhattan.

I stumbled across this really nice baby store on 5^th avenue.  All though the prices were way more expensive than I originally thought; I figured it really didn’t matter.   After all, I was investing in my own future.  The saleswoman immediately sprung into action helping me to find the perfect gift.  Shopping for wealthy people can be somewhat tricky.  Mainly because you never want to get the wrong thing and come off as cheap.  Sometimes you have to spend big in order to play in the big leagues.  With that said, I spared no expense and decided to go with the most expensive breast pump in the entire place.  Talk about state of the art.  This thing even had a special little feature to massage the tit after the baby was done.  I literally thought of everything.  Who cares that it cost more than my damn computer?  Because of my gift, Mrs. Randall and her child would now have a bond that would last for the rest of their lives; and in my book that’s priceless.  I had them gift wrap it beautifully, and also bought a dozen pink and blue balloons to give it that extra “wow” affect.  It was so huge by the time she was done that I could barely even get through the door.

Heading back to the office, I could hardly wait to see the looks on their faces when I walked in with my gift.  When Mr. Randall sees his wife all overwhelmed with emotion from her new breast pump, he would have no choice but to finally take notice of me.  As a result, Gracie’s position would definitely be mine.  Walking down the street I also thought, “Hey, wouldn’t it be so cool if after this, Mr. Randall invited me out to the house one Sunday afternoon for a round of golf?”  Being that I was never all that close to my father growing up, I imagined “What if Mr. Randall even became that father figure in my life that I always dreamed of?  Wouldn’t that be incredible?  I could go with them on their little family vacations to the Hamptons; and even call him whenever I needed a little fatherly advice on dating situations or early detection of STD’s.  Believe it or not but I actually got a little misty eyed just thinking about it; and wondering just how long it would be before I could start calling him pops.  Most other sales reps would never even dream of spending three hundred dollars on a gift for their boss’s wife.  But, I guess that’s what separates losers like them, from ingenious business mavericks such as my pops and I.  In life it just never pays to be cheap.  Sometimes in you have to just take a risk in order to win big.

I just happened to walk back into the lobby at the same time that Mr. & Mrs. Randall were kissing each other goodbye.  This was finally my big moment of truth.  There in front of the entire office, I walked over with the gift and balloons in hand, and exclaimed “Excuse me Mrs. Randall, I’m sorry to disturb you.  My name is Brett Sanders and I’m a sales rep here.  And I just wanted to congratulate you on this very special time in your life.  This gift comes from the bottom of my heart.  And don’t bother thanking me, because we’re family here.  That’s just what we do.”  To my surprise, the entire room went completely silent.  And for nearly two minutes no one absolutely said a word.  Somewhat confused, I took the breast pump out of the bag so she could see it, and explained “I wasn’t sure if it was a boy or a girl, so I just got something you could use regardless.  From the look of things you obviously don’t have long.  Have you already started picking out names?”  At this point Mrs. Randall’s face turned almost fire engine red.  Still not catching on, said to her “I imagine you’re probably too over whelmed with emotion to speak right now.”  At that moment Mr. Randall just looked at me like I was the plague and exclaimed “My wife isn’t pregnant.”

Talk about awkward.  That was so not the response I had expected to hear.  Freaking out inside, I thought “How the hell was I supposed to know?  Her stomach is so big she almost looks overdue.”  I couldn’t believe what I had just done.  I was so embarrassed that I just wanted to melt.  Not to mention that by now it was so quite on the floor that you could literally hear everyone’s heart beating.  At a complete loss for words, and about four months too late to yell “April Fools”; the only thing left I could think to say was “Wow.  Uhm…are you guys by chance planning to have kids anytime soon?”  With fire shooting from his eyes, Mr. Randall very calmly replied “No.  We’re actually not.”  I thought, “F*ck!!  This is not definitely going as planned.  I guess there goes the father son sack race at the next company picnic “  At this point literally grasping at straws, I responded with “Uhm…would you perhaps believe me if I told you I was Psychic?”

With everyone on the floor still pretty much standing there in shock; I figured it would probably be best if I just left early for the day.  With my head down as low as it could go, as I walked by my supervisor on the way to the elevator; he looked at me and remarked, “But even if she was pregnant Brett.  A breast pump?  Really?”

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