Perhaps my therapist does have a point when she says I suffer from a severe case of narcissism, because after this morning I’m now more convinced than ever that God is purposely f*cking with me just for his own entertainment. What other explanation could there be?
Case and point; every Monday morning I usually wake up around 5:30 to go take my little god daughter to school. Her mother, a dear friend, usually has to be at work by six. Seeing how they only live five blocks away, it’s generally no problem for me to go make sure she gets off to school okay. Today started off pretty much just like any other Monday. My alarm went off at 5:30; I immediately jumped up and bumped my left shin on the way to the bathroom on the corner of my stupid Ikea bed that sticks out two inches further than I always seem to recall; I grabbed my trusted bebop cap, and was out of the door in just six minutes flat. I used to have it down to four, but after several times of making it all the way to the corner before looking down to realize I was wearing nothing but my high top Pumas and Hanes; I discovered  just that extra two minutes could possibly make all the difference in the world.
Just as I was approaching the set of projects nestled neatly between both of our blocks, I heard a lot of rustling behind the big trash dumpster. At that time of morning I figured it could only be ‘Holler Back’ (the old neighborhood crack whore affectionately nicknamed after her favorite 2001 rap song) inside the dumpster with some new John. But when I yelled out my usual “Good Morning Holler Back!â€, instead I saw two humongous raccoons going to town on a bunch of garbage bags.
Seeing how the last thing Brooklyn needs is more damn trash on the streets; doing my part to keep the block clean I stumped my feet at them and yelled “Get out of that trash! Shoe you stupid coons!â€Â A phrase I had heard yelled at me many times as a child in the south, although something tells me they weren’t really talking about these kind. I assumed they would both just scatter off just like the cats do but instead, they both turned and simultaneously hissed as they showed me their fangs. I thought “Stupid coons! They obviously must be a little tipsy from the remnants of all of those old bottles of cheap gin and not realize that they’re bucking up to a human.” So naturally I stumped my feet again and yelled even louder “I said get out of that damn trash!†as I hurled an old Snapple bottle at them someone left on a nearby bench. However instead of running away, to my surprise they actually hissed again even louder and then started off after me.
Talk about some scary shit! Before I knew it, I had let out the loudest white woman shriek I’ve ever heard and then took off running for my life. So now here I am, a grown ass man, at 5:30am being chased down the street by raccoons, and in Brooklyn of all places. Yet again, another one of those unbelievable “Brett and the City” moments where I looked up to the sky and thought, “Wow God… really?â€Â I figured they would eventually turn back after a few feet, but as I looked over my shoulder they were actually gaining speed. I thought “WTF?” By block three and a half with two drunk ass project raccoons hot on my ass, my mind started really getting the best of me. I thought “Why are they so damn mad?†and even more important, “Just what were they planning to do once they caught me?â€Â It could’ve been my imagination again, but I could’ve swore one of them had a couple of those little tear drop tattoos under his eye you always see in the Mexican gangster films right before someone gets snuffed. I thought “Oh shit… what if this is how it all ends?â€Â I felt just like Will Smith in I am Legend 2.
As luck would have it, I made it inside my friend’s building just in the nick of time. When I got upstairs naturally I thought about calling the police. But judging by the several times I had already called this year when: that day Holler Back got high and tried to rape me; the time that crazy religious cult tried to abduct me; and not to mention that time those damn racists let their chickens attack me; I realized that they probably weren’t going to take me too serious this time. So let’s just say next Monday morning I have already budgeted for a taxi.
IF YOU LIKE THIS POST PLEASE SHARE IT!! AND DON’T FORGET… I LOVE COMMENTS SO PLEASE REMEMBER TO LEAVE ONE BELOW– THANKS!!
Omg…. You are CRAZY!!! Thanks for the much needed laugh!
Hahahaha! Hahaha!!! Please tell me this will be one of your web series episodes. I’d kill to see this.
Lol!!!!!! Only you Brett! Only you!! I am in tears.
Okay I just heard everyone laughing in my office and decided to see what they were laughing at. Glad I was curious. And glad it didn’t kill the cat. Funny stuff.
Okay Sir, I have tears on my key board from your antics. This can not be true? You poor guy. Sending this to everyone I know.
You are a really talented writer. I’m looking forward to your web series. You really are a black Larry David.
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Thanks for the laugh this afternoon.
Thanks Ron!
Riley: I never would relive this moment EVER!! LOL
Jenna:
Jerry: Thanks for stopping by.
Sarah: Thanks LOve
Thanks for making me spit up my coffee dude. You are freaking insane. Looking forward to seeing the series.
My first day on your blog and I am an instant fan. Got to hear more about Holler Back. Lol.
Keep up the funny. Are you on twitter?
Greg: Sorry about the spill.
Jason: There Holler Back Story is actually in the archives:
http://brettandthecity.com/nightmare-on-dean-street-my-homeless-hooker-story/
Brett, you have truly found your calling my friend. This is hilarious, I could visualize everything you were saying. I still stand by my words you are a mess….but in a good way!
Love to you my friend.
Kory: You just really a put a big one of
right on my face.
Marquis: Hey man!!! Thanks so much!!!
Wow, I am a writer and I can honestly say you are a gifted man. Writing comedy is extremely difficult and you do it with so much ease and paint the picture right before our eyes.
Kudos Mr. Brett and the city. I am a huge fan.
Boy you made me fall clear out of my chair. My mother and sister have been telling me about this site forever but they failed to tell me how fine you were.
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Glad I stopped by. Can’t wait to read about Holler Back and Yvonne.
You are too cute and funny! Please please tell me you do stand up and will be in Texas soon? I have to hear these stories first hand.
Thanks for the laugh.
Brett strikes again! Love the post!
Randolph: From one writer to another.. THANKS, means a lot.
Thanks and please tell your mom and sister thanks for the support as well.
Nancy: It looks like I’m ALL IN THE FAMILY NOW.
Gender: Cool name. And no stand up but I am mounting a one man show in NY next year. Till then we have the Brett and the City Web series starting very soon.
Darren: THANKS PARTNER!
OK…I guess I will have to come back…lol. Very funny and as usual I could visualize everything including the bebop hat and a crack addict with a (midget) john. Stay well sir.
That was a good one… Thanks for the laugh…
Charles: LOL So sorry for the long hiatus while we’ve been shooting the web series. Thanks buddy.
Phedra: You are MORE than welcome darling.
Brett, this was FAH. Did this actually happen or is this all a part of that vivid imagination of urs, that keeps us all in stitches? I can actually picture those 2 ghetto koons, harassing u down the street, LOL. I had an experience with a mother and father goose attempting to assault me 4 getting 2 close 2 sum baby geese, that i didn’t even see. That was hilarious, from the bump on the shin, 2 the end.
I am waking up my sleepy neighbourhood with laff after reading this. I am going to get a cup of tea and come back for another read and louder laffing before I share. Keep it up, you sure are blessed with imagination!
Evadney!! Thanks for keeping me alive across the pond in good old merry England! And thanks for the wonderful words.
Tyrone: Thanks so much sir, I so appreciate the compliments. And it looks to me just like those Raccoons that those Geese were trying to take a brother out of there. LOL
Once again, you’ve got me sitting here visualizing the entire scene as I read and laugh. This definitely needs an actual live webisode. I’m thinking, run out in the street, maybe they’ll follow you and get run over. The best part for me visually was when you said you thought you saw two teardrops on one of them. I laughed out loud at that one. Keep up the good work, I totally enjoy it
Funny I njoyd the laugh tht ws pretty good
Teaguem: Thank soooooo much!!! And I did see that tear drop.. I’m not THAT crazy. LOL
Larissa: Thanks for the comment. Glad you liked the new post.
TOO FUNNY
OMG… Your days are alot like mine, Unbelieveable… This story is Hilarious and made my day… MY FAVORITE QUOTE…. on one of my bad day’ :”and the clouds opened up God looked down and said I hate u Tiffany”…. love ur blog!!!
That was just too funny…thanks for the laugh!!
Zette: Thanks
Tiffany: LOL!!! Wow Tiff I think you and God may have a few issues to work out. Thanks so much!!
Mary S: You are more than welcome. Anytime!