Every block in New York has its legendary characters that everyone in the neighborhood knows. Meet mine: an old homeless crack hooker whom everyone refers to as “Holler Backâ€. She got her name because morning, noon, or night for the past eight years, she stands on the same corner with a sun dress on and a 40oz bottle in her hand, shouting “Holler Back Mutha Fckas!†to everyone who walks by.
Holler Back, is pretty much known throughout all of Brooklyn for her trademark salutation. Whereas, it’s probably customary for most to smile and wave hello to people in the neighborhood as they walk or drive by: Holler Back instead lifts up her skirt and shows everyone her twat; flies and all. Talk about “Distracted Drivingâ€. I think poor Oprah may be focusing on the wrong cause. I’d sure love to see that bumper sticker. Holler Back is an extremely colorful character to say the least. Whenever you walk by her corner there’s literally no telling what she might be doing. She could be hanging off the light post doing chin ups; she could be uprocking to her boom box in the middle of the day with no shirt on; or completely passed out, face down on the sidewalk taking a nap. Last week at 8:30a.m, I saw her straddled across a traffic barricade as if on a horse, with one hand in the air shouting “Wild Wild West Mutha Fckas!!!†at the top of her lunges.
Although Holler Back is notorious for shouting obscenities and cat calls to people walking by; for some odd reason she’s actually obsessed with me. This means whenever she sees me, she amps it up even more. I’ll never figure that one out. I can barely get a regular girl to call me back; but apparently to old homeless crack whores, I’m the next best thing to Denzel. The very second she sees me approaching; she literally stops whatever she’s doing and begins licking her lips. This is of course followed by her yelling, “N*gga come give me some of that! You little short mutha fcka!†from all the way across the street. It’s weird, because I can actually feel her undressing me with her one good eye. She lost use of the other one in a fight with a pit bull a couple years back. In his defense, she had been picking with that pit bull for months.
This Friday for some strange reason, Holler Back seemed to be in particularly rare form. On my usual route home from work, I suddenly felt someone grab my ass from behind. Startled, I whipped around only to discover Holler Back standing there with a look in her eye that was even strange for her. I immediately yelled, “Holler Back…what the hell has gotten into you?†to which she replied, “N*gga…I’m sick of you taunting me! I’m about to get me some of this!â€Â Now, I’m not sure if she accidentally got a hold of some bad crack; or if all of those years of fantasizing over me had finally just taken its toll, but something told me right then that I was in trouble. It was as if she was Clarisse “Precious†Jones, and I was that bucket of chicken. She proceeded to grab for my “Johnson†several times as I quickly pushed her hands away. “What in the world has gotten into this crazy bitch?â€, I thought. Thank God I caught that Oprah episode on How to Protect Yourself Against Date Rape. Just like the expert on the show instructed: I made direct eye contact, and in a deep firm voice shouted “Stop…Holler Back! No means no!â€Â But apparently, Holler Back doesn’t watch that much Oprah. Because the more I resisted, it was like the more she got turned on. This was not looking good.
The next thing I knew, Holler Back and I were literally rolling around the sidewalk wrestling at 5:30 in the day. I thought, “How in the world does this sh*t keep happening to me?â€Â I called out several times for help to people walking by; but instead everyone just laughed and pulled out their phones to record the fight. By this time she was so close that I could literally smell her breath; which smelled just like a combination of Spam, Maxwell House, and old vagina. I struggled like crazy to keep her from unzipping my pants. I don’t know what mutated strand of crack she was on, but it was like she had the strength of two gorillas. Perhaps it was all of those damn chin ups. Panicked I thought, “OMG, maybe Holler Back is gonna’ finally get her some of this today after all.” I had already made up my mind that if she somehow got a hold of my penis with her grimy little hands, there was no way in hell I was going to keep it. I’d just as soon cut it off and live out the rest of my days as a lesbian. I wanted to die right there from the smell of her breath alone; but the thought of everyone walking by and watching her do “God only knows what†to my lifeless corpse was just too much to bear. With that said, I began fighting for my life.
I finally managed to get her off of me long enough to hop back to my feet and run, but to my surprise she still took off after me. Now here I am in my suit and tie, running down Dean Street with an old homeless crack whore chasing behind me. Yes…welcome to my world folks. As soon as I got home I called the NYPD to file a sexual assault charge. However, hadden already heard tale of the incident; instead they all just laughed and asked if they could take pictures of me for their Facebook pages. Talk about unprofessional. Guess who won’t be getting a check for the Policeman’s Ball this year?
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Bloody brilliant post – you had me laughing out loud.
And I was on my own reading it, so if anyone had looked through the window, I would have looked like a proper fruitloop.
LOL Thanks Annie (Lady M). I’m thrilled that you got such a laugh… and next time most definitely CLOSE the window first. I hope to see you back soon.
I second Anne, sorry but I had tears running thinking about yourolling around on the ground with a feotid smelling crack whore… and then I started to itch a bit… I feel dirty.. off for a shower! LOL
Funny as hell…whr do u come up wit this stuff, lolz
Brilliant. Taken out by a mad old crack whore keen on your manly charms. You simply can’t make that shit up. Though, I do wonder if there could ever be enough bleach in the world to feel clean after that encounter. Nice work.
Clare: Sorry about the tears and the itching. Doesn’t sound to good.
Mz. Lolli: Thanks so much…and hope to see you back often.
Rusty Hoe: Thanks for the compliment… and i LOVE your name. I guess it’s better to be a Rusty Hoe than a Greasy one. Hahaha.
This was hella funny!!!! Had me LMMFAOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
This was tooo damn funny!!!! Had me LMMFAOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
You did it again Soooo Dammmmm Funny Keep them coming.
Love it, made a bad day better. Thanks for the laugh!
I may actually leave the great Harlem to move to Brooklyn to see some of your exploits
lol! yikes! that is craziness! i’m glad you made it out of there alive & with no STD’s!!! sucks about the cops too! but you know never there when you need em & always there when you don’t!!!!
Was laugh out loud funny!
Thanks Judy… Glad you got a kick out of it. Although it wasn’t funny when it was happening. LOL
Oh, Good Lord! I am so sorry you had to go through that — but I am also shamelessly, shelfishly glad you did — because I have not laughed that hard since… well, since your last post! Tears streaming down my cheeks and all!! Keep ‘em coming, Brett!
RT Phoenix Rising: Thanks.. I’m so glad I was able to give you another Belly Laugh at my expense. LOL Trust me.. I go through this stuff so that you all don’t have to.
RT Judy Ann: Thanks for stopping by. I hope you become part of the B&TC Family.
RT JEANIE: Thanks Jeannie for spreading the word like crazy the way you always do. What would I do with out you..
absolutely rip roaring hysterical!!! i think the best so far…LOL!
Now you know this is a bunch of mess LOL!!! too funny. Uumm my question is when is the book coming out??? “like a combination of Spam, Maxwell House, and old vagina,” WWWWOOOOOOWWWW!!!! That is a hell of a description LMAO!!!
Stop its too much..ive been laughing so hard at several of these postings that I have tears rolling down. Great just great.
Hello Dawn B. So glad my my painful memories could be of service to you.
Thanks so much for stopping by. mWe hope to see you back around “The City” soon.
She could be hanging off the light post doing chin ups…“Holler Back…what the hell has gotten into you?†to which she replied, “N*gga…I’m sick of you taunting me! I’m about to get me some of this!†*flatline*
I made direct eye contact, and in a deep firm voice shouted “Stop…Holler Back! No means no!†bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha oh lawd the tears.
This was funny!!! I am sorry but I laughed so hard that I choked.
So this totally made my morning lol.
That was to funny bro, I’m just “lol’ing” while I’m sitting here writing this comment hahaha.
So, just made a bad day into a great day haha.
Funny story . . . . but it’s sad that the police could do nothing but laugh, and that the people watching wouldn’t help either. What is this world coming to?? Unfortunately “holla back” will probably do this again (hopefully unsuccessfully) because she didn’t get into any trouble for this incident. I would find another route to get to and from work on.
OMG I don’t even know how I came across this but I couldn’t help but read it and I laughed out loud, probably woke everyone up in the house with laughter. What a great story. Good luck……………Thanks for the great start to my day.
P.S. I’m going to go to You tube right now and see if I can find anything to watch.
Wow, this one should be titled The Fight of My Life. LOL
this is soo funny! i shud not b laughin ths hard at work.
funny as s**t…lol this is just toooooooo funny
THAT STORY WAS TOO FUNNY. I CAN’T STOP CRYING….LMMFAO
omg…thats funny as hell…yo idk what i woulda done if that ever happened 2 me….thats crazy
OMG Brett. I have been reading your post from the Facebook Page. I can truly feel your pain with the craziness of your life. I have some of the weirdiest things happen as well. I think its in the water. Keep up the work. Its got me in stitches. I hope you at least went to the doctor and got checked out. She might have drooled in a wound or two and given you rabies. Or mad cow….
Shani: Thanks so much. I’m so glad you loved it.
Angela: LOL that’s so funny. No I didn’t think of the whole drool in my my wound.. rabies thing, but now that you mentioned it, I am on my way to the hospital now. LOL Thanks for the support.
GD Police could have arrested her, but I understand why they did not tooo funny…….LOL:)
OMG wait I am at my desk literally in tears LMFAO seriously dude where have you been all of my life. You are the funniest story teller ever. I felt like I was right there on the street watching you fight for your life. Unfortunately I would have been one of those bystanders taking video and dying of laughter. OMG thanks for the laughs man this was one of your best blogs by far!!!.
Thanks so much for the amazing compliments. This is one of my favs too. And Hollar Back is most certainly still looming in the streets. I just saw her today and yes she still has her thing for me. LOL
Juanita” LOL!!!!! Now that is the best compliment I think I have ever gotten! Thanks so much and I am honored you loved the post.