Meet Yvonne the Ghetto Receptionist

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Most women probably see a sequin mini dress and automatically think special occasion like New Years Eve, The Oscars, or The Annual Pimps Up Hoes Down Convention in Vegas.  However for Yvonne the receptionist, this is merely just a Wednesday.  On my very first day with the company; baffled, I turned to a coworker and remarked, “Wow, that lady is pretty dressed up.  Is today some kind a special occasion?”, to which he looked at me and rather simply replied, “Oh no that’s Yvonne.  She’s just ghetto.”  I eventually learned that no truer words would ever be spoken.  Already somewhat of a celebrity on my column; what started off innocently as just a random post on Facebook; somehow has surprisingly evolved into a full blown series.  Before I knew it, there were people from literally all over the world sending me regular requests for more Yvonne updates.  For those of you just new to Brett and the City, let me take a moment to quickly catch you up to speed.

Yvonne is without a doubt one of the most intriguing woman I’ve ever known.  A 48-year-old grandmother of two; Yvonne never leaves the house without her pocketknife, her ‘baby hair’ grease, and literally starts every single conversation with, “Last night at the club…”  Yvonne was originally hired as the office bill collector, and from what I hear did an amazing job.  That is, until her bill collectors eventually found out where she worked.  Turns out, Yvonne owed everybody in town money from Con Ed to the little Mexican man that ran numbers on the corner.  She even had the Deacon from her church calling about a couple of bounced checks she put in the collection plate.  Bottom line is this this: if Yvonne can bounce a check to the Lord; then what she cares about paying Metro PCS ain’t about nothing.  I guess her philosophy is “Hey…who better to collect money, then someone that owes everybody money.”  Hell, Yvonne had so many damn bill collectors calling the office, that at one point; my company actually considered changing our number.  She’d be busy collecting money on line 1; with her bill collectors calling in on line 2.  Eventually the company solved the problem by just making Yvonne the office receptionist.  I guess they figured, “Sh*t, it’s kind of had to tell people you’re not in, when you’re the one actually answering the phone.”  But oh let me tell you… the cursing you’d hear when you walked through that lobby in the morning.

I must admit; Yvonne confused the hell out of me when I first started working for the company.  She had so many damn different hairstyles that I always thought there was a new Black girl that just started.  She would literally come in  looking like Beyonce, and leave looking Florida Evans from Good Times.  Yvonne switched wigs so much; I actually just assumed she was in the witness protection program.  Seriously; she’d go to ask you a question with one wig on; and by the time you turn around to answer it, she done already changed it.  Yvonne is like the army; she goes through more weaves before noon, than most hairdressers will all day.

Yvonne’s Hair Dairy:

Day 1                                          Day 2                                      Day 2.5

When asked, Yvonne always credits her mother “Helvetica” as being her number one fashion muse when it comes to her flare for hair.  She always exclaims, “My mama is the baddest bitch I know.”  Now, we’ve all heard of the term “driving gloves” before.  Well apparently; Yvonne’s mother Helvetica actually has what she calls a “driving wig”.  Basically, it’s a spare wig that she keeps in her glove box used only for driving.  Every day when she gets off of from work; she slips off her “work wig” in the car, and then quickly switches to her “driving wig” just before pulling out of the Dairy Queen parking lot.  To quote Yvonne exactly after telling me the story, “Now you know that sh*t ain’t nothing but class!!!”  Judging by the picture Yvonne showed me, apparently her mom must drive pretty damn fast; because I have never in my life seen a wig with an actual chin strap built in.

Yvonne later went on to tell me that she actually comes from a long line of wig wearers.  According to Yvonne, “As far back as I can remember; the women in my family have always been known for two things: Fighting and Wearing wigs.”  Now in my mind, I instantly imagine an old ancient tribe of African women; prancing through the Serengeti, and swinging their long luxurious blond hair that went all the way down to their buts.  Meanwhile across the river, sits a bunch of bald headed and extremely pissed off lions.  Can you imagine being a lion, and just walking through the jungle minding your own business; then all of a sudden out jumps a pack of ghetto ass high yellow African women carrying rocks and sticks?  Who knows; perhaps that’s really the reason that lions started sleeping in trees?  I wouldn’t be surprised at all if one day while watching The Animal Planet, we discover that wild lions actually adapted their ferocious hunting style, from an even wilder pack of bald headed African tribeswomen called “The Yvonnas”.

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