Talk About A Day From Hell…

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Today had to be the worst day of my entire life, hands down.  For starters; my alarm clock didn’t go off which made me super late for my big meeting.  And in all the madness of rushing out the door to get to the train, I accidentally ran out of the house without my pants.  Believe it or not, I made it six whole blocks before I realized I still had on my damn long johns.  Picture me running down the street like a madman, with my briefcase, suit jacket; and a pair of long john bottoms.  And not just any long johns, but my favorite pair.  You know; the ones I’ve slept in every single night since college.  The ones that are so worn that the entire ass is gone; and despite all the new ones I get from my mom every year, I still wear because they’re so damn comfortable, and just one step away from sleeping naked.  The worst part is, I didn’t even discover it until I went to pull out my metro card.  There’s nothing like getting to the station and reaching back for your wallet, and instead grabbing your bare ass.  Talk about awkward.  I guess in hind sight; there were quite a few people pointing at me and shouting obscenities, while they covered their kid’s eyes.  But hell, I just thought it was because I was Black.  Of course there was also the cool breeze I felt across my ass as I ran.  But, I just assumed that was my new peppermint lotion.

By the time I actually made it to the city, I was 15 minutes late for my meeting.  I’d been working all year on this enormous copier deal with a company called Christian Leadership Alliance, and I was finally invited to speak to their board.  The meeting was in this really fancy restaurant, and by the time I arrived everyone was already seated around the board table eating.  The CEO was just beginning his address so I figured I had just enough time to grab myself a quick coffee from the set up in the back.  I noticed they had those really fancy green latte mugs like the French place near my house: the really big ceramic ones without the stems.  So, I poured myself a cup and discreetly sat down at the table.  Looking around the room I realized not only was I the only Black person there, I was the only one under 65.  Naturally I felt a little bit out of place.  Just as I was sipping my coffee, the CEO stopped his speech, looked directly at me and said, “Excuse me…but why do you have a bowl of coffee?”  As I looked around the table, I couldn’t believe what I had done.  I was drinking my coffee out of a damn cereal bowl.  Now completely on the spot; the only thing I could think to say was, “Oh I’m sorry, I just really like the coffee here.”  It’s safe to say the meeting wasn’t exactly off to a great start.

Eventually it was time for my big sales presentation.  I’m really good with people so I thought, “Okay, this is my chance to wow them.”  So I connected my lap top to the projector on the table, and began my spiel: “Hello, I’d like to begin with a little introductory video we like to show all our perspective clients.  I’m pretty sure you’re going to love it.”  Then, instead of selecting the file on my lap top marked “MFP” (Multi-Functional Printer), I accidentally selected the wrong one marked “MP”; which stands for Midget Porn.  Let’s just say, I don’t think anyone in that room was ready for what came next.  If you follow this column at all, then you already know how much I love my midget porn.  As luck would have it, this was the absolute most filthy gang bang midget flick I had  in my entire collection.  I mean, this REALLY was a good one.  It’s called Kitchen Midgets 2, and it has pretty much an all star line up of midget porn stars including: Teeny Weenie, Tiny Vaginy, both Bridget and Twidget the Midgets (which as you know is a HUGE deal, seeing how it’s the first time they’ve appeared together on film since the big knife fight in Encino), and rounding up the cast was Baby Gangsta; who’s basically the 50 Cent of midget porn, but nowhere near as nice.

There were midgets doing things on that screen you couldn’t imagine even in your wildest midget fantasies.  There were midgets doing  it inside of refrigerators; 69′ing on top of ovens; and tossing all kind of salads both literally and figuratively.  And then a grand finale that featured Baby Gangsta riding in on the back of a pit bull.  All I have to say is, I’m sure glad that pit bull got the hell out of that kitchen when he did.  He obviously saw what happened to the one in Kitchen Midgets 1.  Before I knew it, the entire board room had broken into complete pandemonium.  There were people screaming, crying, and doing Hail Marys.  One lady even threw up, which if you ask me was taking it a little too far.  In all the chaos I tried to stop the clip, but my lap top froze up so I couldn’t turn the damn thing off.  Finally with no other choice, I just kicked my lap top clear off the table.  It was the only thing I could think to do to make it stop.  Sure, looking back I guess I could’ve just unplugged it.  But if you know me at all, you know I don’t exactly think straight during a crisis.  Not only was I escorted out of the building again by security.  I am now out of an $800 Dell lap top, which I have the right mind to send the Christian Leadership Academy an invoice for.

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