As I sat down today at my favorite Starbucks attempting to bang out this week’s column, I couldn’t really focus on writing because I kept having the strangest sensation that I was somehow being watched. As I peeled my eyes up from the keyboard of my old trusty Dell, finally there was the culprit. A little baby sticking his head out from under his little pea green stroller, which no doubt probably cost more money than my last Saturn. While his mother just sat there neglectfully slurping her low fat latte, and yapping it up with one of the other yuppie moms about organic milk, Ellen, or whatever else it is rich stay at home moms obsess about. Her baby sat their continually ice grilling me the entire time from the comfort of his deluxe Bugaboo.
That’s when it hit me; what exactly is the polite way to say to someone “Hey lady… your baby is staring at me too much?†I guess I somehow missed that episode of Oprah. Now I’ll admit, the first few minutes it was actually kind of cute; but then it just got downright awkward. I naturally assumed he would eventually grow tired and look away, but to my surprise the gazes actually got even more intense with time. Talk about uncomfortable: every time I looked up there he was looking at me with those beady little Hannibal Lector eyes staring right thru me; almost as if the little fucker knew something I didn’t. Then to make matters even worse, he didn’t look away once nor did he ever blink. Meanwhile frustrated out of my freaking mind, I’m sitting there like “Really baby? I mean who does that?†Honestly, who can work under this type of scrutiny? It was like I was constantly being judged. The whole thing felt like one bad Barbara Walters interview.
Finally I tried to drop a hint to the woman by commenting, “Wow… your baby sure is observant. Does he stare this intently at everyone?†Even though what I really wanted to do was yell, “Damn lady enough is enough! Either turn that little big head mother fucker around the other way, or take that little freaky looking bastard outside! My feeling is that people should really be required to teach their toddlers a few manners before bringing them out in public. I don’t care if your child is only nine months old. No one wants to be forced to sit through the damn Spanish Inquisition every time they sit beside you in a restaurant or on the train. Now if I were to do that same thing my ass would catch a case. Because the bottom line is, no matter who’s doing it, it doesn’t feel good to be stared at. So in closing, if you can’t manage to teach your baby to stop ice grilling folks in public, then dammit get that little mother fucker some shades.
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Hahaha!!!!!!!!!! Brett you are brilliantly funny. I hate that too!
Very very funny! How do you always manage to express exactly what I am feeling. Lol!!! I heart you Brett! Keep em coming.
Meg: Thanks so much
Adrian: Maybe I’m psychic… lol
this is so hilarious and love the pic!!!
Thanks Maria
You are Hilarious! Some of them lil mofos act like they can’t get checked! Spoken from a kidless and happy about it
40 something black woman, can you believe it? we still exist!
Brett OMG how funny is this post? I love all of your zany adventures. And all the girls here at the office have the biggest crush on you. Keep up the good work.
April: Hahahaha.. see now you’re really trying to catch a case. I love it.
Brenda: Thanks and tell all the girls from your office I have a crush on them too. LOL
So you are the infamous Brett and the City? I’ve been hearing about this site forever at work and from friends. So glad I decided to drop by. And after the day I’ve had at work… Thanks for the laughs. And by the way they were right when they said you were a cuter patooty.
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Thanks.. and I hope you come back soon.
Man I hate when babies do that too. It may sound strange but I was on the train and these women were reading your blog and they were laughing so hysterically I had to ask what they were reading.
They we’re right. I just checked out your other stuff and you ate definitely a comic genius. My favorite is the one about the racist chickens. Oh yeah.. And the lesbians. Lol
Hello Brett. We met at your show last week. I saw in the program you had a blog so I decided to check it out.
You had me and my wife laughing so hard at your show when you told your monkey story. My wife still just bursts into tears whenever she thinks of it. Please tell me that was not a true story?
A new fan-
Ron: Thanks man… glad you stopped by the site. So glad you like the stuff.
Larry: Thanks and I had a ball at the show. That scene was actually a segment from my soon to be one man show. I’m in the process of developing it now. Make sure you join my twitter and FB so you can stay up on my future appearances.
Lmao..your last Saturn? You had more than one? Dude, go for the Ford Focus. As for the kid, there is medication for paranoia…lol. Funny post.
Be well.
LMAO@ Medication for my paranoia… Boy how I need that. Thanks Chuck. You’re the best.
Damn brett! You get me erry time! Specially them watermelon head babies…they love a damn face off lol
Brett, you are stupid as hell and I love it… keep’em coming dude
Thanks Vanessa
and Ruby still LMAO at face off with a Watermelon head baby. You folks on here are ruthless. LOL
Mr. Sanders you never cease to amaze me.this is an eye catcher column,cute and funny.I’am going to keep this in my file.Think you could teach you old aunt how to be artistically gifted and funny. wish I had your whit.
From what I remember Aunt Carolyn you always were the funny one of the Sanders family… now I see where Lashae gets it. Thanks so much Aunt Carolyn for always stopping by. Love you…
Funny Stuff. I’ve been hearing about this site on set. I work in TV so I very seldom laugh anymore and some of your stories actually put tears in my eyes. And that ain’t easy to do. My favorite story so far has been the chicken story.
Boy oh boy and to think we went to school together. You have not changed one bit, still funny as ever. Glad you are able to make money making (and keeping) us laughing. Now you are added to the legends from Grand Rapids, MI. Debarges, Mayweathers, Al Green and now Mr. Brett Sanders LOL…… I love love love your columns. Keep making us laugh!
J. Childs: Thanks tremendously for the great compliments and for stopping by the city.
Miranda: LOL!!!!! Not with Al Green and the Debarges.. #DEAD LOL!!! Thanks so much for loving the column. You guys have to make a trip out to NY when I do my one man show later in the year.
Hi Brett,
Met you today in Philly (Art Sanctuary), had great time at panel discussion. Thank you for attending and giving great advice! Reading this, I’m laughing out loud. An “ice grillin’…” baby, HILARIOUS!!! I def. need a chuckle to get me thru the day, will keep checkin’ back. Best to you
Thanks so much Naomi.. and it was so great to meet you yesterday as well. You were all such an amazingly attentive group. And sorry for all of the profanity. LOL Thanks again and so glad you enjoyed the site.
Dude Im out here in the dessert laughing my ass off!!! Funny thing is I used to think I was an asshole cause I honestly hate that shit lol. Thanks for puttin it out there. Peace from the Mid-East!
Jamaal: No you are not the Asshole. They are.. LOL!!! Thanks for checking out the site. I actually have quite a few fans out there the Mid East. I guess you guys prob could appreciate a good laugh every now and then more than anyone. Thanks again and please spread the word my man.
Brett, why you got to call out my grandson like that?
MoFo, beady little Hannibal Lector eyes , big head, freaky looking. How could you call my little gum drop such names?
I am sure that his little gaze lingered on you, because you are so cute, with your Justin Bieber wardrobe. LoL!