Case Of the Itchy Taint

This time of the year, my street in Brooklyn always gets infested with mosquitoes.  Since I usually sleep in the nude, it’s important that I remember to keep my windows closed.  A mosquito must’ve somehow gotten in last night, because when I awoke I had mosquito bites everywhere.  Two on my thigh; one on my elbow; and for some odd reason…I even ended up with one on my taint: which in case you didn’t know, is that tiny little area directly between a man’s testicles and his bum.  Basically, it’s a little one inch strip God put in to keep us from crapping on our balls.  Now for the life of me, I can’t even begin to imagine what position I was sleeping in, that left that particular area so “vulnerable” for attack.  But it probably had something to do with that weird dream where I was armless again, and the base player from Earth Wind & Fire is changing my diaper.  But naturally I just assumed everyone had that one.

On Sundays I always go out to the Bronx to visit my 89 year old Aunt Virgie, who lives in a nursing home.  Aunt Virgie suffers from a very unique condition, where she not only thinks that the people on her TV set are really in her house: she’s also convinced that they all desire her sexually.  In her mind, she’s still “a real looker” as she refers to herself; and quite the heart-breaker too.  This year alone she’s been in relationships with Regis Philben, Anderson Cooper, the Black guy from the Allstate commercials, and Sherri Shepherd.  Yes, that last name threw me as well.  Apparently not only is Aunt Virgie a little Jezebel; she’s obviously a chubby chaser too.  It’s sometimes a little difficult to have a conversation with Aunt Virgie because she constantly blurs the lines of reality and TV.  Throughout the entire Haitian ordeal, it took me weeks to explain to her that her room wasn’t being invaded by thousands of “little nappy headed n*gaz”, as she put it.  She accidentally pepper sprayed herself 3 times in the middle of the night, trying to fight them all off.

Today was a little harder than usual to focus on Aunt Virgie’s conversation, due to all the itching going on inside my pants.  It was driving me crazy.  No matter how much she went on about the big fight that she and Michelle had just gotten into over Barack; the only thing I could concentrate on was –scratching the mosquito bite on my damn taint!  Finally, not able to take it another second, I asked if I could use her restroom.  Her entire facility is set up like dorm rooms, in the way that there is only one bathroom for every two patient rooms, with a door on each side; which for obvious safety reasons have no locks.  To my surprise, when I opened the bathroom door the old woman from the other side was just heading in for a shower–a sight I wouldn’t even wish on Osama Bin Laden.  I quickly shut the door, and headed down the hall in search for another, fighting every urge I had to scratch my balls along the way.  The public restrooms were a little far, but as luck would have it, I passed another patient room that was completely empty.  So I popped in, opened the bathroom door, and this time I was in luck.  I immediately closed the door behind me, unzipped my pants, and began ferociously scratching my taint.  Relief FINALLY…and nothing EVER felt so good.  It felt so good to finally scratch; I actually just threw my head back and groaned “ughhh!”

Just then, the door to the other side opens, and in scoots an old lady with her walker, wrapped in a way too small towel.  Meanwhile, I’m standing in the middle of her bathroom with my hands in my crotch, vigorously moving them back and forth.  This did not look good.  Panicked, I immediately shouted “Wait… it’s not what you think!  There’s a bite on my taint!  Here…look?”  She then began screaming at the top of her lungs.  Within seconds, nurses and orderlies came running in from both sides.  Before I could even say a word the old lady yells out, “I caught him in here jacking off!  And then he was going to rape me!”  As mortified as I was at the accusation; I realized…me standing there with my “Johnson” hanging out, didn’t exactly help matters at all.  So naturally I did what anyone else would do in that situation.  I ran.

Cut to: my Black ass running down Fordham Road in broad daylight, still scratching my balls like crazy, with two old orderlies chasing after me.  It was like a scene from Benny Hill.  I could barely even run for scratching my balls.  I guess all the adrenalin was making them itch even more.  I was literally running on a 6 to 2 ratio.  For every six steps I ran, I scratched my balls twice.  Eventually the two orderlies gave up and turned back.  I ran another few blocks, dipped around the side of an old warehouse, unzipped my pants once again, and began scratching my taint like there was no tomorrow.  In the midst of all the scratching, I guess I failed to notice that a squad car had pulled up behind me.  Luckily for me they were nearing the end of their shift, and were too lazy to make an arrest.  However, I did receive a citation for indecent exposure, and another one for masturbating in public.  My court date is in 30 days, and for my sake…I sure hope the judge lives on my street in Brooklyn.

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