B&TC Rewind: Ghetto Bitches in the Sky

This past weekend I flew home to Grand Rapids Michigan for a family event.  Boarding my flight, we were all greeted by two very wholesome Marsha Brady looking flight attendants.  They both had perfect blond hair, pearly whites, and smiles that went from ear to ear.  As I headed to my seat I thought to my self “Wow, what a professional looking crew.”  Just then from behind a long line of passengers came barging through, this chubby ass middle aged black woman, dressed in a “way too tight” and bedazzled stewardess uniform; and announcing to the crew at the top of her lungs.. “My bad…I know I’m late!  My daughter got arrested again.”  I turned to see what all the commotion was and I could not believe my eyes.  As soon as I saw her honey blond extensions, dirty pink house shoes, and gold plated necklace that read “Niecey”; something just told me I was in for an interesting flight.

Our plane checked in full; so from the moment we hit the sky, the flight attendants appeared somewhat overwhelmed as they scrambled to assist all the passengers.  Instead of lending a hand to help the other two ladies who were obviously struggling; Niecey “the ghetto flight attendant”, just sat in the rear of the plane the entire time with her shoes off, and repeatedly cracking her toes while playing Tetris on her phone.  And every time a passenger would walk over and ask her for something; without even looking from the phone she would just reply “Chile…my feet hurt, you gone have to ask somebody else for that”.  I had never seen anything like it before in my life.

Since the flight was just under an hour there was no meal service scheduled, not even a measly bag of peanuts.  However about 20 minutes into the flight, everyone noticed that the entire cabin suddenly began smelling just like old greens and feet.  Curious, I leaned my head around the corner to investigate the smell and I could not believe my eyes.  Niecey’s ghetto ass had stunk up the entire plane warming up an old plate of soul food that she brought from home.  And from the smell of things, that plate had been sitting in the back of her refrigerator for two weeks.  She had catfish, greens, macaroni, yams; you name it, she had it piled up on that plate.  She then proceeded to douse the entire hot sauce; sit back down in her seat with a bottle of Grape Crush, and loudly smack her way through the entire plate.  So not only did we not get a meal service on the plane; we all had to sit there and smell Niecey’s old catfish and greens for the entire flight.  This was slowly turning into the flight from hell.

About 20 minutes later I realized I had to use the rest room.  Since there was a long line of people waiting to use the one in the back near me, I decided to walk to the front of the plane and use the one in first class.  Just as I was reaching for the restroom door, Niecey literally came sprinting up from the rear of the plane barefoot with her stockings on, and screaming “Nuh Uh!!  Nigga you know you can’t use that!  That’s first class!”  Startled, I explained to her that the other one was crowded and no one was using this one.  But by this time she had jimmied herself between me and the door, blocking my entrance.  Taken aback I asked,“What’s the big deal?  It’s just a bathroom, besides I’m already up here now.”  But with her lips pursed sideways she just kept exclaiming, “Nope, rules is rules.  You can not use these people’s bathroom!  Go to the one in the back!!”  I tried to open the door anyway, but it was pretty clear that she wasn’t going to move out of my way.  So with no other choice, I decided to fake her out.  I pretended to walk back to my seat, and as soon as she turned around, I quickly doubled back and darted into the restroom.  Enraged, she began banging and yelling on the door for me to come out; but I figured, at this point there was pretty much nothing she could do.  So I thought.  Just as I was coming out and heading to my seat, now determined for revenge, Niecey quickly pulled the beverage cart over into the aisle and began serving drinks all over again just so I couldn’t get by.  With all of the other flight attendants looking confused as to why Niecey was serving drinks again just 20 minuets later, she made sure to take even 4 times longer than usual.  I thought to myself, “This is one petty ass bitch.”.

About 20 minutes later, the flight attendants began walking through the cabin to prepare for arrival.  By this time, I was sitting half asleep in my seat, and I didn’t realize that my foot was slightly sticking out into the aisle.  As Niecey was walking backwards through the cabin collecting last minute trash, she accidentally tripped over my foot and fell completely backwards to the floor.  Her big bag of trash flew in the air.  Completely in shock, I quickly apologized and went to help her up from the ground.  As soon as she saw that it was me that tripped her, assuming that I did it on purpose to get her back from earlier, she instantly hopped back to her feet and to my surprise, she hauled off and slapped the dog sh*t out of me. “WHAP!”  Boy was I not expecting that.  She actually hit me so hard that I went delirious.  For a second I thought I was back in my grandmother’s kitchen playing scrabble with Jesus.  I had never been hit that hard before in my life.  It was like she had a bag of nickels in her hand.  Thank God, my Grandma’s chihuahua Smokey came running in when he did and warned me to “Stay away from the light”.  Otherwise I would’ve for sure been a goner.  Just as I came to, and tried to explain to her again that it was really just a mistake; before I knew it, she had done slapped me again with her other hand only this time even harder.  I thought to myself, “WTF??  Is this bitch ambidextrous?”  As much as I wanted to sit there and rationalize with her, it didn’t exactly take a rocket scientist to figure out that she was coming back for thirds.  So thinking fast, before she could hit me again, I quickly leaned in and caught her in the stomach with a quick uppercut.  I must’ve knocked the wind out of her too; because she doubled all the way over to the floor holding her stomach.

Now I don’t know exactly what was in those greens; but she suddenly got up and shook that punch off like the Terminator, and then began taking off her jewelry.  Now, I don;t know about you… But I’ve seen enough Ghetto Brawl clips on YouTube to know that this was technically not a good sign.  Although I normally would never in a million years condone hitting a woman; from the look in her eyes, it was pretty clear that I was going to have to fight this bitch to the death.  The next thing I knew, Niecey and I were rolling through the aisle fighting like two alley cats.  And I am actually man enough to say, that this bitch was whooping my ass.  I probably would’ve had a better chance against a pack of wild orangutans.  I had no idea a person could even move so fast.  I began praying aloud, “Can somebody ‘PLEASE’ come break this up?”  But to my surprise, the entire plane started chanting in unison, “Kick his ass… kick his ass”.  I thought, “Kick ‘my’ ass?  What the hell did I do to them?”  Not to mention, the last thing this bitch needs is more encouragement.  By the time the air marshal finally made his way over; Niecey had me pinned between the aisle in a half nelson.

As soon as the plane landed, we were both detained in the security office for questioning.  As it turned out; because Niecey had violated the airline’s strict policy against kicking a passengers ass, she was let go right there on the spot.  And as consolation, I was released with a formal apology from the airline and 500,000 frequent flier miles.  Apparently, this wasn’t Niecey’s first time fighting a passenger.  My only prayer is that the footage isn’t somewhere floating around on YouTube.  The last thing I need is it getting out that yet another woman publicly kicked my ass.  Women tend not to be attracted to that.

*This B&TC Rewind Originally Ran back in April.

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