When we left off last week in “Part 1″, I had just gone to Starbucks to meet my blind date, who ended up being this psycho “Special Needs” super model with “Fake Down Syndrome”.
So now here I am, standing there looking bewildered while this little 4’6” women with “fake Down syndrome”, beats the crap out of herself in the middle of Starbucks, with everyone looking on. At that point I just looked up to the sky and said “Wow God, really?” Unfortunately this is all just a typical day in my world. With no other choice, I finally said to her “Alright already, I’ll go with you to your stupid event! Just stop making a scene!” At that point she literally stopped crying on a dime, and said “About f*ckin time. Look Buddy; I get that that there’s no love connection here, on either part. Obviously, I can tell buy those shoes you need cash. So, there’s five hundred bucks in it for you if you make it the end.” Appalled, I shouted under my breath “What a f*ckn bitch! You know, I can tell you don’t have really have Down syndrome. Because I watched that documentary on HBO, and they’re all much nicer than you! And for the record, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with these shoes!” As much as I wanted to call the whole thing off, I realized she had a valid point; I really could use the cash. So with minutes to spare, we jumped in a cab and headed over to Midtown Manhattan.
The cab pulled up in front of The Jacob Javits Center, and I could not believe my eyes. The Marquee read “The National Down Syndrome Awards”, and the entire place was filled with people with Down syndrome as far as the eye could see. There were literally thousands of them, in all shapes and sizes too. To be honest, at first it kind of freaked me out a bit. I don’t care how cool you are; nothing in your life ever prepares you for seeing two thousand Down syndrome patents at the same time, wandering around aimlessly in formal wear. It was almost as if we had stumbled onto the set of some weird new Tim Burton film. Some had on little tuxedos with top hats, some had on glittery evening gowns, and there was even one woman there dressed like a Down syndrome version of Lady Gaga; which to my surprise actually kind of turned me on a little. We eventually pulled to a stop at an area designated for celebrity drop offs. Sensing I was still a bit confused; Rena turned to me and said “Listen up; I don’t want to be around these freaks anymore than you. So let’s get this sh*t over with.” I kid you not; as soon as we stepped out onto the red carpet the crowd literally went berserk. Hundreds of people started running over. There were cameras flashing, teenage girls crying; I had never seen anything like it before. In all the frenzy, I even suddenly started to get excited myself. Turning to see what all the commotion was about, I said to Rena “OMG! Somebody big must be here! You think it’s Oprah?” She looked at me and replied “No, idiot it’s me. Look; just shut up and look pretty. You’re here to make Mama look good alright.” In that moment it then finally hit me, “Holy Sh*t, I’m here with the Down syndrome version of Madonna.” The entire way up the red carpet we were constantly bombarded by both fans and paparazzi alike. Even the reporters had Down syndrome, which made it a little hard to understand their questions. But excited to be there; every time they asked me a something, I just smiled real big and said into the camera “Down syndrome rocks!”
We made it to our seats just as the show was beginning, and oh what a show it was. In addition to all of the many awards being given out that night, were several choreographed song and dance numbers performed by the honorees. My favorite was the three girls that attempted the Down syndrome version of Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”. Talk about cool. With the exception of the one girl that kept stopping in the middle of the number to wave to her mom, and the other one that accidentally got tangled up in the curtains; it had to be hands down one of the most entertaining versions I’ve ever seen. During intermission, Rena and I went back to the greenroom to relax a bit before her appearance. Just as we were sitting at a table having a bite to eat; suddenly this 5’8 Down syndrome version of a gangster rapper, with gold chains and a baseball hat walked in, with his entourage in tow. Instantly the whole room became silent, and for some reason everyone started looking at me. Having no idea what was going on, I just continued eating my little sandwich. The next thing you know, this guy starts flipping over all the tables like a madman as he walks over in our direction. So now I’m completely freaking out. With my sandwich still in my mouth, I look over at Rena like “WTF? Is there something here I should know?” She then just rolls her eyes very casually and says, “Great, I can’t go anywhere. I knew this was going to happen.” With food spitting out of my mouth, I asked “Wait…what do you mean you knew this was going to happen? What’s going to happen???”
Now standing directly over us, the crazed rapper yells “Oh, so you come up in here with this cheap shoe wearing N*gga to get back at me?” Pissed, by now I’m thinking “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with these shoes!” Rena then shouts, “Killa G, I told you last night you and I were threw. I don’t love you anymore. This is my new man now!” Now really freaking out, I shouted “Why’d you tell him that? Look Killa G, we just met today!” Suddenly Killa G starts taking off his jacket and all of his gold chains as if he’s preparing for battle. Meanwhile, Rena shouts “Oh really Killa G, that’s so original! He always does this Brett. Just ignore him and act like he’s not even here.” Frantic I respond, “What the hell do you mean ignore him?” The next thing you know I felt a huge blow to the back of my head. Killa G had whacked me one. He then grabbed me in a headlock, and pulled me backwards out of the chair. I could not believe I had just gotten snuck by a gangster rapper with Down syndrome. This was indeed a new low point in my life. With no other choice I turned around, and to my surprise beat the living crap out of Killa G right there in the greenroom. I’d never whooped anybody’s ass like I did his that day. I discovered apparently people with Down syndrome don’t fight all that well. But that was his problem. Because he should’ve thought about that before he snuck me in the back of the head. Several members of his entourage jumped in to help, and believe it or not I whooped all their asses too. Never in my life did I dream I’d be able to kick a room full of guy’s asses. Talk about cool. It was like a scene right out of a karate movie. I thought, “Where are all those damn youtube cameras when you need them?” Suddenly, security came running over and tasered me a few times to calm me down. I was then escorted out of the back door and banned from ever attending the Down Syndrome Awards again. And the worse part of all was I never got my damn five hundred bucks.
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I discovered apparently people with Down syndrome don’t fight all that well. But that was his problem. bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahhaha a@ fighting a gangsta rapper with Downs….DUMB….but I love it!
lol Thanks so much for the love Flashynista!!!
Dude, I need pictures. Of the shoes.
LMAO!!!! Hey Amy: I seriously see nothing wrong with my shoes.!!! LOL
LMAOOOO! I’m still CTFU@ the chick that keeps stopping to wave to her mom. Good one Brett!!!
I’m with Amy I really need to see these shoes LOL!
Ok Brett really though? How exactly do you get yourself into such crazy situations? I mean… Baby arm , down syndrome girl . Omg tha weirdest thing to ever happen to me is I had this freakeshly odd dude masterbating in my car and he refused to get out or stop. That was traumatic lol anyways I gotta read tha rest of your posts…
RT Samantha: So glad you got a kick out of Part 2. The girl stopping to wave was actually my favorite part too.
RT JEN: Both you and Amy are gonna make me start t feel self conscious about my choice of shoes. LOL
RT Angel: I don’t know… your worst story sounds pretty out there too, if I must say so myself. LOL
Aww Brett, you had me laughing myself stupid with your antics… all finely protrayed …. the Down Syndrome version of Madonna….the Beyonce girls getting themselves wrapped up in the curtains…. the Down Syndrome version of a Rapper….
Keep writing. I love your posts… they are without doubt the funniest on my blogroll!
LOL!! I have family member with down syndrome & he is as sweet as can be always smiling & hugging especially the ladies but this story right here iz banana’s…lmbo!!
Annie: Thanks tremendously for the compliments, and it beyond an honor to be the funniest on your blog list.
Anthony: LOL Thx man. I grew up with a cousin with DS and they are always the sweetest people, and just like your cousin… mine also used to have a thing for the ladies. He would like to come up and rub their leg.
lol, lol lol too funny Killa G…Wow, I’m trying to picture this but I just can’t stop laughing
Hilarious! You’re able to satirize Down Syndrome without belittling people with Down Syndrome. Well done. Rena is another marvelous character in your repertoire.
Michelle: Thanks so much, I really appreciate the love.
Ginny: Thank you so much for that great compliment. Specially because I’ve been taken a few hits on the Down Syndrome thing. I tell people, basically I talk about everyone on here.. but trust and believe, no one comes out looking any worse than me. LOL
OK you need to be a King of COmedy. I have been telling everyone about you ever since I read your story about the girl with the “finny” hand( that’s how we say it back home).
OMG this one was hilarious. Your life needs to be a reality show and dude if the DS celebrities are badmouthing your shoes – you need to throw them out.
BTW say Hi to Yvonne – Im her biggest fan
Trini: Wow… the KIng of Comedy! I am beyond flattered! Thanks for the love, and I will give Yvonne your love.
U R a fool…. This is crazy funny, one of my favorites
Thanks Phedra!
You are a nut! but hey Killa was asking for it. handle yo’ bitnez Bret. Special peopler think they too special fo a azz whoopin? bretnthacity says NOT.
A mutual friend of ours, Gary Lennon, turned me onto your site. Nice work. I’ll keep reading.
I just finished reading your article on FreshXpress.com and I had to come over to your site and read some of your other stories. Very good job, so funny. Keep it up!
C. Shantel: Thanks so much for stopping by. I hope you visit “the city” more often.
Brent: Thanks so much man. Gary Lennon is one of my favorite screenplay writers and coincidentally my mentor.
Ok right now there are literally tears in my eyes, seriously there runnin down my face. I was gonna stop reading at the DS MaDonna… then I saw She then just rolls her eyes very casually and says, “Great, I can’t go anywhere. I knew this was going to happen.” With food spitting out of my mouth, I asked “Wait…what do you mean you knew this was going to happen? What’s going to happen???”
I am really glad that with these 2 storys, it you who lives ya life and not ME.
Thanks Mark man!!!! I appreciate the love man. Sorry about the tears, but look on the bright side. At least your not wearing mascara.. LOL
Wow neat! This is a really great site! I am wondering if anyone else has come across something
exactly the same in the past? Keep up the great work!
Dude, gimme more!
Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed browsing your blog posts. In any case I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon!
You are so cool man, the post on your blogs are super great.*,*.~
Great…
love your blog, http://bryanmcargill.politicien.fr/ ,Thanks again….