This past Friday I was beyond nervous as I headed off to Starbucks to meet my blind date, although technically it wasn’t really a blind date. We met a few weeks back on JDate, and since had spent a great deal of time swapping messages back and forth. Talk about an instant connection. There was however just this one little catch. Since she was this really big fashion model, and unable to post her picture due to contractual restrictions, which I totally understood; I literally had no idea what she looked like. Now under normal circumstances I would never dream of going on a date with someone sight unseen. But I figured, since she was a big famous model in all, I pretty much had nothing to lose. After all, how often does a guy get to go out with a real live super model? Honestly, I found the whole mystery of not knowing to be very romantic. I figured realistically, so what if her eyes are really only “dusty” blue instead of ocean; or if she’s really just a 34C cup instead of a 36DD; I can live with that. Hell, everyone fibs a little on line. I mean…truthfully I’m not exactly 5’8†tall, and technically I’m not really Jewish either.
We agreed to finally meet one another face to face, and my palms were literally dripping from anticipating how hot she would be. I even wondered if I’d recognize her from one of her many magazine covers; man wouldn’t that be cool? The plan was to first meet for coffee, and then head off to some big fancy event that she was modeling in that night. Talk about hitting the jackpot. I thought, “Not only am I now dating a famous super model. I was escorting her to a big celebrity event, which meant our red carpet photos would surely be seen all over the net.â€Â I couldn’t wait to rub it in my grandmother’s face either; especially after spreading that huge rumor around her entire congregation that I was really a “big gayâ€, and had a thing for gerbils. I knew I shouldn’t have ever showed her how to work Twitter. So it goes without saying, just before walking in I called up my grandma’s voicemail and said, “Yeah Bitch. Make sure you catch Access Hollywood tonight. Something tells me you’ll be surprised at what you see. That is, if your cataracts isn’t flaring up again.â€Â That’s just how we talk to one another.
Walking into Starbucks, I could not believe my eyes. There sitting alone at the bar was this beautifully exotic brunette with the legs of an Amazon. This girl looked like she stepped right out of a James Bond film. I instantly began to smile. I thought, “Wow Brett! You’re finally about to meet the woman you’re gonna spend the rest of your life with.â€Â It actually felt surreal. For a second, I even got a little verklempt as I shed a little tear. I thought, “All of those cold lonely nights, God really had been listening.â€Â Just as I wiped my eyes and began to make my way over to my new destiny; suddenly from behind in this weird little voice, I heard…“Brett? Is that you?â€Â I turned around, and there sitting alone in a chair was this 4’6†little chubby woman with Down syndrome, and big yellow flower in her hair, smiling from ear to ear. Baffled, I replied “I’m sorry, do we know each other?â€Â And with a sarcastic smirk she answered, “Well, I should think so.â€Â Now, with all the nonprofit organizations I sell copiers to, I figured there’s literally no telling where I know this woman from. We probably met in some waiting room. Attempting to brush her off, I replied “I’m sorry if I seem a little rude, but now isn’t really the best time. I’m sort of here on a date.â€Â Then with the biggest smile, she suddenly replied “Duhh… I know. You’re here to meet me, Silly. I’m Rena, I recognized you from your photo. And 5’8†my ass.â€
I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was beyond mortified. It was if someone had just pulled the world out from under my feet. I thought “WTF? I came out of my house expecting to meet Giselle, and somehow ended up with Blair’s retarded cousin from The Facts of Life. How on earth does this sh*t always happen to me? After waiting literally 12 minutes for Ashton Kutcher and his crew to come running out of from the bathroom, it finally settled in that this was really happening. I finally had to take a seat just to stop myself from passing out. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact I had been duped, yet again by another handicapped woman. “Are you okay?â€, I heard the little voice murmur. “What’s wrong with you?â€Â Enraged, I snapped “What the hell do you mean what’s wrong? You lied to me!â€Â “I did no such thing.†she defensively replied. Trying my best not to make a scene, I whispered “You never told me you had…Down syndrome!â€Â Then with a smug look on her face she replied back, “Well, did you ask?â€Â  “Did I ask???”, I shouted. “Who asks that? Besides, you told me you were a freakin’ super model, which obviously was another lie!â€Â “It’s not a lie.†she answered, “I am a model. In the Special Needs industry.” “What do you mean Special Needs industry?â€, I asked. “Well genius; you’ve obviously heard of sports and plus size models haven’t you?” She continued on very ‘matter of fact’, “Well, I’m what they call a Special Needs super model. I do lay outs for all the big healthcare magazines, medical catalogs, and pharmaceutical pamphlets. You know, really lame sh*t like that. But the pay is phenomenal!â€Â Still confused, I asked “Well why don’t you sound like other people with…Down syndrome?â€Â She then confessed, “Well technically, I really don’t have DS. I was just somehow born with this look. Which is why I do so well at modeling. I take direction way better than those other retards, which saves the clients tons of money.â€Â Disgusted, I remarked “So you’re really just a fake?â€, to which she replied back “Hey, a girl’s got to eat. And Mama likes sirloin.â€
Finally hearing all I could take, I stood up to leave. She then quickly interjected, “Wait, you’re not leaving are you?â€Â Still appalled, I shouted “Are you f*cking kidding? You surely don’t expect me to stay after this? You actually sicken me!â€Â Suddenly, from all of the women shooting me evil looks as they stormed out calling me an “Asshole”, I instantly realized how this must’ve looked. Rena then replied, “You can’t leave now. I mean, we have a date. I can’t show up at the event alone. Besides, you’re not exactly my type either Buddy. You’re way too short.â€Â I grabbed my things and whispered, “Look lady. You’re obviously off your meds or whatever it is you take. But I’m out of here. And I’ll have you know I’m considered tall in over 75% of Mexico!â€Â Now this is where it really gets crazy. Just as I was leaving, Rena suddenly began to cry hysterically, and then started slapping herself repeatedly in the face while shouting, “I can’t do anything right! I’m just a big piece of sh*t!!â€Â Okay. Now…cut to me standing there looking bewildered, while this little 4’6†women with “fake Down syndrome”, beats the crap out of herself in the middle of Starbucks with everyone looking on. Welcome to a typical day in my world.
Tune in next Monday to see what happened next. Believe it or not it even gets crazier…
DONâ€T FORGET TO LEAVE A COMMENT BELOW, IT’S SIMPLE!!!!
Brett – you bring me joy! *as I wipe coffee off my monitor from laughng so damn hard* i can’t freakin wait till next Monday.
RIGHT BACK AT YA THELMA!! LOL Thanks so much, and a thousand apologies for your computer monitor.
Brett Sanders.. u are insanely crazy and out of your mind funny..
i love it man!!
damn sometimes it sorta feels like dat (blind dating lol)
Omg!!! I’m on the bus and people probably think I’m crazy for laughing all loud!! Lmao… Brett you are so crazy!!
RT Lelieth: Thanks so much for the compliment, and please whatever you do.. don’t get kicked off the buss on my account.
RT: CChambe: LMAO!!! Yes, there is nothing like blind dating in New York City!! Thanks for the comment.
LOL… another brilliant blog Brett…. you need to write a novel! I’ll buy it!
Wow!! Thanks so much Annie. I’d love to write a Novel… That sad thing is I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I’m at least glad I’ve already got my first customer though…
I can always count on you for a good laugh
Okay, that was hysterical. lol Can’t wait until Monday. Keep the stories coming.
RT Michelle: Thanks sooo much, for coming back week after week.
RT chaitastic: I soooo appreciative the enthusiasm. And Welcome aboard to the B&TC family. Glad to have ya..
if i wasnt laughing hysterically… id give you one ole major side eye
RT C. Babtiste-Williams: Thanks. I really appreciate you sparing me the side eye. LOL
Blind dates suck. Just wrote about one too. But dude yours is way more awful than mine. Can’t wait to find out what happens next. Hilarious!
I want to thank you for making me aware of the Special Needs Modeling Industry- I am SOOOOO there. Surely they need a fat psycho soccer mom sometimes, yes!???!
I am verklempt at your awesomeness, Brett.
ROCK ON!!
xoxo
Yo you are officially my hero..You are completely nuts!!!!! This is so real! It actually happened to me..lol
Brett, you are amazing! Just tuned in to -Brett and the City- and now I have to play catch up with your previous episodes. “Blind Date From Hell” is sick. Can’t wait til Monday.
HA! I am glad I found your blog..I know whenever I am feeling like only ridiculous things happen to me..I know somewhere out there, you are going through it too. Keep it up
This is how I felt when I read The Green Mile. Any chance of getting a sneak peek at next Monday’s post?? Fake Down Syndrome Girls Rule!
Brett.
LOL
You are a fool!
Good stuff, homie!
WOW only for u Brett LOL!
LMAO you’re crazy dude.
You obviously pick which comments will be allowed on here and which won’t eh? Only the ones that boost your ego are a go? What if your supermodel did appear and made fun of you because you were black? And then wrote a blog making fun of you using the N-word? Funny it’s so easy to make fun of people who can’t or won’t kick your ass because of the derogatory words you used to describe them. Interesting that the ACLU or NAACP doesn’t defend intellectually disabled people who were born with extra genetic material in their DNA, the way they defend people who were born with a non-white colored skin. I hope it makes you feel big and proud to make fun of people who aren’t typical. Hilarious! SIKE.
Hello Angie,
To answer your question, no I just don’t only approve the comments that boost my ego. Coincidentally, these are just the only ones that I’ve gotten. I have to approve comments first because of spammers.
Although my audience is intelligent enough to accept all comments, even ones of opposing views. I don’t think they’d appreciate 200 comments about sales on Pontiac Thunderbirds. Thanks for your comment.
Fake Down Syndrome…..OMG, lawd have mercy, keep me near the cross, cheesecake be a fence!!!
Good evening.
OMG!! This is too damn funny…now I’m going to look at everyone with DS to see if they are faking.
LMAO @ Samantha… I guess the only way to know for sure is just to flat out ask them. LOL
Hysterical! Laughing right now!
… and totally shocking!! You mean people lie online? What a freakout!
I blame J-date!! No valid reason, just because I want to…
You are DUMB lil buddy! Hilarious! I hope MADSE (Mothers Against Down Syndrome Exploitation) don’t come after you.
Brahm: Man I was so shocked as well. There should be some kind of governing ethics board to regulate lieing on line. I blame J Date too.
Dame: OMG LOL I think the moms from MADS may have already called.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAA! You man, you should’ve taken out the wet glove and pimp back hand them into submission.
Brett,
You make me laugh so hard my bladder hurts!
MAAAAAN I LAUGHED SO HARD THAT I WAS HOPING THAT I WAS ALREADY A WEEK BEHIND JUST SO THAT I COULD KEEP READING, LOL! I AM SOOO GLAD I FOUND UR BLOG BEFORE I WENT TO BED BECAUSE I HAVEN’T LAUGHED LIKE THIS ALL FREAKIN DAY, THANK U VERY MUCH! I LOOK SO FORWARD TO READING MORE NEXT WEEK!
U HAVE PUT THE ICING ON THE CAKE AND I ATE IT ALL UP SO NOW I CAN SLEEP WITH THE “ITIS” BECAUSE I AM SO FULL OF LAUGHTER, LOL!
This was hilarious!
Blair’s retarded cousin. Bwaa haaa haaa!
Candice: LOL Thanks… you no doubt remember her. As funny as she was, I still don’t want to do her.
IS THERE A PART TWO? I AM SOOO READY TO READ IT!
You know I’m hurtin right, I was gonna wait to post my comment until after reading part 2 but the Facts of Life refrence and Ya Grannys gerbil comment shit I had to speak on this. I do know that as I was scrolling down the page passing week 2 to get to one I was looking at the 2 bopsy twins thinking has this nigga lost his fuckin mind, why do these bitches look like they got DS, and I’m going to google Fake DS SMH wondering WTF.
Thanks Mark!!!!
Hi,
I understand that it’s her fault to mislead you. At the same time, I understand why she did it. She knew that she has the fake DS look and it’s hard for her to get a date. I actually feel bad for both of you. I’m sorry that she gave you such high hope …all those modeling blah blah blah..which leads you to thinking of all those things…which is normal…..but, I pity her more than feeling bad for you. Hey think about this, you look as a normal guy, who left angrily, you can still find a date after all, but it’s really hard for her to find a date. May be you could have had a coffee with her and told her she shouldn’t mislead you like that, and just be friend with her.
OMGGGG!!! Too funny, I was done when you called and cussed Grandma out!! You are the best and always have me literally laughing out loud!
Dude, you have your own elevator straight to hell and I’m trapped on it with you for laughing at this shit. Hilarious!
Aaron: Hahahaha I often get told I’m going to hell several times a day but I’ve never quite heard it put so poetically.
Thanks
Blind date from hell my online dating story pt 1.. Retweeted it
You have GOT to be kidding me! This is fantastically terrible. I couldn’t believe I laughed at this…but then she turned out to only have FAKE Down Syndrome, so I felt much better about myself.
Your stories are the absolute best!!!! I LOVE it!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks so much Carolyn.