Biggie Smalls Is Still Alive

Published under The Comedy Series.

I finally got a chance to see the new Lee Daniels’ film Precious, everyone has been raving about. And I am pretty darn sure this is just another Hollywood attempt to try to pull a fast one over our eyes.  And I for one, am tired of the old flim-flam.

Like millions of other die hard fans, I’ve always had my suspicions.  However now after having seen the film, I am even more convinced than ever that the legend still lives.  My theory is, that after a life of nothing but turmoil and strife, Biggie Smalls devised an ingenious plan to fake his own death, and hide out somewhere far away from the world for the rest of his days.  A place where no one would even blink twice, at a 400 pound black man with gold teeth and a mink coat, walking down the street.  So the Notorious B.I.G. went to the only place in the world he could live virtually undetected among the local citizens.  He moved to Akron, Ohio.  A plan that would’ve no doubt worked seamlessly if not for one thing.  He eventually started to miss the limelight of show business.

They say fame is just like crack.  Once you’ve had that first hit, you’re hooked for life.  The VH1 Network was practically founded on this principal.  Finished with the rap industry, rumor has it that for years, Biggie Smalls had been racking his brain in search for the perfect way to re-enter the business.  With his only two other options being VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club, and Dancing with the Stars, hope was almost gone….until one day, while standing in the checkout lane at Winn Dixie.  Biggie read in a Jet Magazine, that Lee Daniels was scheduled to begin casting for the film adaptation of Push; a story of an overweight, nappy headed, teen mother from the Bronx, with a speech impediment, and a love for eating fried chicken straight out the box.  He knew in that very moment, this was his one shot back to the big time.  So with no time to spare, Biggie got a sex change operation, a bad perm, and a 12 piece extra crispy bucket from Popeyes.  The rest my friends, is showbiz history.

With all of the Oscar buzz surrounding the acclaimed performance, Mr. Smalls is sure to beat out Mickey Rourke and Whitney Houston as the comeback story of the millennium.  “Who knew the guy could act so well?”, critics are saying.  I’m simply saying, “Congratulations Biggie!” to a job well done.  We wish you all the best in your career as Hollywood’s newest leading lady, and we can’t wait to see what other projects you have in store.  Move over Queen Latifah, there’s a new girl in town.  And she goes by Notorious G.A.B. “Baby Baby!!”

Biggie taking time out to pose with a few of his younger cast members.

Biggie spitting a few rhymes with Lenny Kravitz between takes to show him he’s still got it.

Biggie at the New York premiere looking radiant in an all red Vera Wang.

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