Battle With a Ghetto Flight Attendant

Published under The Comedy Series.

This past weekend I flew home to Grand Rapids Michigan for a family event.  Boarding my flight, we were all greeted by two very wholesome looking flight attendants.  They both had perfect blond hair, pearly whites, and smiles that went from ear to ear.  As I headed to my seat I thought to my self “What a professional looking crew”.  Just then, from behind the line of passengers came rushing in this chubby middle aged black lady, dressed in a “way too tight” uniform, announcing to the crew “My bad…I know I’m late!  My daughter got arrested again.”  I turned to see what all the commotion was, and as soon as I saw her honey blond extensions, house shoes, and gold plated necklace that read “Niecey”; I just knew I was in for an interesting flight.

Our plane checked in full, so from the moment we hit the sky, the flight attendants appeared somewhat overwhelmed as they scrambled to assist passengers.  Instead of lending a hand to help the other two ladies; Niecey “the ghetto flight attendant”, sat in the rear of the plane the entire time with her shoes off, repeatedly cracking her toes as she played Tetris on her phone.  And every time a passenger walked over and asked her for something, she would tell just them “Chile…my feet hurt, you gone have to ask somebody else for that”.  I had never seen anything before like it in my life.  Since it was only an hour flight, there was no meal service on the plane, not even a measly bag of peanuts.  However about 20 minutes into the flight, I noticed the entire cabin suddenly began to smell just catfish and greens.  Curious, I leaned my head around the corner to investigate and I could not believe my eyes.  Niecey had stunk up the entire plane warming up an old soul food dinner she brought in from home.  So not only did we not get a meal service; we all had to sit there and smell catfish and old greens for the remainder of the flight.

About 20 minutes later I had to use the rest room.  Since there was a line of people waiting to use the one in the back, I decided to walk to the front of the plane.  Just as I was reaching for the door, Niecey came literally sprinting up from the rear of the plane barefooted, screaming “You can’t use that!  That’s first class!”  Startled, I explained to her that the other one was crowded.  But by this time she had jimmied herself between me and the door, blocking my entrance.  Taken aback I asked,“What’s the big deal?  It’s just a bathroom, besides I’m already up here now.”  But with her lips pursed sideways she just kept exclaiming, “Nope, rules are rules.  This is only for first class.”  It was pretty obvious that she wasn’t going to move out of my way, so I decided to fake her out.  I pretended to walk back to my seat, but as soon as she turned around, I doubled back and darted into the restroom.  Enraged, she banged and yelled for me to come out.  But I figured, at that point there was pretty much nothing she could do.  So I thought.  Just as I was coming out and heading to my seat, determined for revenge, she quickly pulled the beverage cart over into the aisle and began serving drinks “again”, just so I couldn’t walk past, making sure to take even 4 times longer than usual.  Talk about being petty.

About 20 minutes later, the flight attendants began walking through to prepare for arrival.  I was sitting half asleep in an aisle seat, and I didn’t realize that my foot was slightly sticking out.  As Niecey was walking backwards through the aisle collecting last minute trash, she accidentally tripped over my foot and fell backwards to the floor, with her bag of trash flying in the air.  Completely in shock, I quickly apologized and went to help her up.  As soon as she saw it was me, assuming I did it on purpose, she instantly hopped back to her feet and slapped the sh*t out of me. “WHAP!”  Boy was I not expecting that.  She actually hit me so hard that I went delirious.  For a second I thought I was back in my grandmother’s kitchen playing scrabble with Jesus.  I had never been hit that hard before in my life.  It was like she had a back of rocks in her hand.  Thank God, my Grandma’s chihuahua ran in when he did and told me to “stay away from the light”.  Otherwise I could’ve been a goner.  Just as a brought myself to and tried to explain again it was just a mistake; before I knew it she had done slapped me again with her other hand even harder.  I thought, “WTF??  Is this bitch ambidextrous?”  As much as I wanted to sit there and rationalize with her, it didn’t exactly take a rocket scientist to figure out that she was coming back for a third.  So thinking fast, I leaned in and caught her with a quick uppercut to her stomach.  I must’ve knocked the wind out of her, because she doubled over to the floor holding her stomach.

Now I don’t know exactly what was in those greens, but she suddenly got up and shook that punch off like the Terminator, and then started taking off her jewelry.  I’ve seen enough Ghetto Brawl clips on YouTube to know that this was not a good sign.  Although I normally would never condone hitting a woman; from the look in her eye, it was pretty clear I was going to have to fight this bitch to the death.  The next thing I knew, Niecey and I were rolling through the aisle fighting like two alley cats.  And I am actually man enough to say, that woman was whooping my ass.  I probably would’ve had a better chance against a pack of wild orangutans.  I had no idea a person could even move so fast.  I began praying to myself, “Can somebody ‘PLEASE’ come break this up?”  But to my surprise, the entire plane started chanting in unison, “Kick his ass… kick his ass”.  I thought, “Kick ‘my’ ass?  What the hell did I do to them?”  Not to mention, the last thing this bitch needs is more encouragement.  By the time the air marshal finally made his way over, Niecey had me pinned between the aisle in a half nelson.  When the plane landed, we were both detained for questioning.  As it turned out, since Niecey violated the airline’s strict policy against kicking a passengers ass, she was let go on the spot.  As consolation, I was released with a formal apology and 500,000 frequent flier miles.  Apparently, this wasn’t Niecey’s first time fighting a passenger.  My only prayer is that the footage isn’t somewhere floating around on YouTube.

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