Too Old to be Gay: Office Party Gone Wrong

Published under The Comedy Series.

This past Saturday was our company’s 20^th year anniversary, and to celebrate we threw our big annual anniversary bash.  Because this time was the sales department’s turn to organize the event, I thought it would be a great idea if I volunteered to lead up the entire project.  Showing this kind of initiative always looks good during your big year-end review; not to mention, since I sort of dropped the ball several weeks back with that whole “breast pump” incident, I figured this would be the perfect opportunity to redeem myself with the big boss and finally gain my way into his good graces.

Everyone knows that delegation is the most important role of any good leader, so I immediately went to work assigning responsibilities to the team.  I placed Yvonne in charge of catering; Martin in charge of decorations; Sue in charge of the liquor; and since Gracie (the old Jewish lady with the drinking problem) has a tendency to get a little demanding after a few Manhattans; this year I even decided to assign Sherman in charge of security.  Last year Gracie slapped the shit out of the bartender for forgetting her cherry, and no one wanted a repeat of that.  The only thing left on the list was to book the entertainment.  Since I was the only one in the office with the real inside scoop on the music industry, having auditioned for American Idol two years in a row; it only made sense that I be in charge of that.  Besides, as a well respected music veteran; not only did I already “speak the language”: I figured with all my big inside connects– I’d be able to find us someone good in no time.

I immediately hit the phones calling around to all of the top music execs in town, putting my “feelers” out as we like to say in the biz.  After not hearing back from a single one of them, my buddy Dave informed me that his Uncle Smitty had just gotten out of jail and was now managing this hot new group called SVL.  Since Dave and I were buds, he even assured me that his uncle would cut me a great deal on their fee.  I thought, “Wow, what office party wouldn’t love a performance from some hot new R&B group?”  This was exactly what I needed to take this party to the next level.  Not to mention, since this group was just coming out; how freaking cool will it be a year from now when they’re the hottest new sensation in the world, to be able to say that I actually got them to perform at our little office party?  The idea was dare I say genius; so we put a call in to Uncle Smitty.  Not only was SVL available that evening to perform; he even gave me the family rate of just $1,400 bucks, which was nearly two grand under my budget.  So not only was I getting the hottest new band around; I was also saving the company a fortune.  And there’s nothing the big boss loves more than saving money.  That’s why it definitely pays to know people in the biz.

The day of the party finally arrived and everything couldn’t have gone any smoother.  The food looked amazing; the decorations were on point; and Sherman had even managed to get a hold of a couple of tazer guns just in case old Gracie decided to go on another one of her war paths.  I had literally thought of everything.  As 3pm hit, all of the guests started to arrive with their families just as planned.  Looking around the room, everyone seemed to be having the time of their lives.  And for the first time in two years, the big boss actually smiled at me from across the room.  I finally knew what it felt like to be a winner.  I assumed that was my cue from the big guy to come over and meet the family, however as soon as he saw me making my way over, for some reason he gestured “no” with his head.  I figured he probably just wanted to save all of my praise for his big speech.  So with that said, I just continued to wave from across the room.

The only thing left on the itinerary was the big performance and you could already feel the buzz in the air.  Roughly fifteen minutes before the show, I got a call from the driver informing me that SVL had just pulled up.  The crowd was growing a bit restless, so I quickly grabbed the mic and announced that the show would be starting soon.  All of the kids in the audience, including the boss’s, erupted in cheer as we all waited for the group to arrive upstairs.  As the elevator doors finally opened, I could literally not believe my eyes.  To my astonishment, out came prancing this bunch of old geriatric looking gay guys dressed in shiny red cat suits and riding boots.  I shrieked “WTF?”  You could literally hear the entire room gasp as the guys stepped off the elevator.  Unsure of what was happening, I immediately ran over and exclaimed, “I’m sorry, are you guys here to see the show– because this is actually a private party?”  To my dismay, one of the old gay men replied “Honey… we are the show.”  Then one of the other guys added a Wendy Williams “How you doing?” from the background; which for some reason seem to tickle them all to death.  Confused, I replied “There’s obviously a huge mistake here.  Smitty said that SVL was supposed to perform today.”  The guy then pursed his lips and replied, “Chile, who do you think you’re looking at?”  Completely baffled, I replied “So you guys are R&B singers?” to which he responded “No Honey, we’re Voguers from the Gay and Transgender Senior Citizen Home in the village.  SVL stands for Senior Vogueing League.  Chile, you betta’ ask somebody.”  This was of course followed by several more rounds of “How you doings” from the old “gay” chorale in the rear.

By now a crowd had begun to gather to see what all of the commotion was about, and I was so mortified that I just wanted to melt right through the floor boards.  I couldn’t believe that asshole Dave had screwed me over yet once again.  I knew that there was no way in hell I was letting those old fruit loops perform.  It would surely be the end of my job as I knew it.  Sherman then came over and explained, “You might as well just let them go on.  Who else are you going to get this late…besides you already paid them $1,400 bucks?   As much as I hated to admit it, Sherman was absolutely right.  There was no way I could have the company take that kind of loss.  He then added, “Besides…who knows?  The show might just end up being fierce!” as he and my other co-worker Martin fell to the floor laughing.  This was slowly somehow turning out to be the office party from hell.  With no other choice, I begrudgingly showed the old guys to the little performance area we had set up in the middle of the floor.  I then just closed my eyes and prayed for the best.

I swear that watching all those old queens warm up proved to be just as much of a show as the performance itself.  By the time they got finished calling each other “Gurllll”, and referring to inanimate objects as “Miss” (eg: “Miss Girdle seems a wee bit snug today” & “Gurl can I borrow Miss Lip liner?   I must’ve  left mine is Miss Car”); everybody in the entire room was confused.  But the thing that really took the cake was when the biggest one of them all tipped over to the boss and asked, “Sugar, where’s your little girl’s room?  Mama has to go tinkle.”  I’d never seen a person turn so red in my life.

Finally it was time for the show.  House music suddenly began to play over the loud speakers as the SVL’s all marched on to the floor in a single line like a bunch of majorettes.  I don’t think anyone in that room was prepared for what was to come next.  There’s absolutely nothing on this planet more excruciating then watching a bunch of seventy year old gay senior citizens attempting to vogue.  We’ve all seen the infamous Madonna video with those legendary gay dancers demonstrating some of the most acrobatic yet graceful vogue moves ever caught on camera.  Well, this looked absolutely nothing like that.  Actually not even close.  These had to be some of the most awful voguers in the history of history itself.  Watching these old guys perform, one couldn’t help but wonder if they had even seen vogueing before.  One old guy because of an obvious paralysis could only vogue with one of his arms; one guy simply just used his hands to point to different things in the room on beat; while one guy I swear as God is my witness was just doing the Village People “YMCA” dance.  And to make matters even worse; each time one of them would do go to the front and do a move; the rest of the group would attempt to hype them up, by all yelling in unison “Work…bitch!!!”  Everyone in that room was in a complete state of shock.  The SVL’s were so uncomfortably awkward to watch, that all the kids in the room just started crying and yelling “Please make them stop!”

Finally, haven I guess taken all that she could stand; Yvonne (the ghetto receptionist) decided to kick off her shoes, and run out there to show the old lame queens how vogueing was really done.  Not to be out done; Gracie followed suit.  So now picture a bunch of old geriatric queens all on the floor, battling Yvonne and little old drunk Gracie in the most horrible vogue off you’ve ever seen.  This day just couldn’t get any worse.  Although Yvonne and Gracie did manage to add a little life to an otherwise horrific performance; the show soon came to a screeching halt when Gracie went overboard by ripping off her shirt and doing the Running-man through the crowd bare chested.  All I have to say is, thank God we had those damn stun guns on hand.  I hated to do it, but she was heading towards the boss’s kids; and I had to save the day somehow.

(FYI..Gracie is in room 3322 at NYU Hospital in case any wants to send flowers or get well soon cards)

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