African Americans Boycott Black History Month

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African American leaders protest blatant snubbing of Rosetta Stone from Black History

Washington DC.  In a press conference this morning that ran on “CP Time”, which basically for all of the white reporters in the room translated to 45 minutes late.  African American leaders gathered at our Nation’s Capital, to call for a boycott against next February’s Black History Month.  “Not only is it the shortest month of the year”, remarked NAAACP Chairmen Nipsey Edward Russell the 3rd, “but in 28 days of Black History programming on every network from HGTV to Telemundo.  Once again, the great African American abolitionist and Union spy Rosetta Stone, wasn’t mentioned one single time.  And we aren’t going to stand for it anymore!”  According to Curtis Bronson, one of the 700 gathered protesters outside on the mall, “It’s a shame that an old slave woman could make all those different language CD’s at a time when most slaves didn’t even have Walkmans, and still year after year be left out of Black History Month.”  An unidentified protester shouted in the background, “Them Mother F*ckers Susan Luccyd her is what they did!”  At that point, the entire crowd locked arms reminiscent to the great March on Washington, and in unison all began to sing last year’s R&B anthem Blame It, by Jamie Fox (featuring T. Pain).  When asked why they chose such a seemingly odd song for the occasion, Civil Rights Leader and Chief Organizer Jesse Jackson explained, “No particular reason, we just really like the beat.  We were all going to do Single Ladies.  But Al was worried about sweating his hair out.”

When we teach our kids about all of the important Black pioneers that died for our freedom;  African Americans and about a hand full of Mexicans are simply asking that Rosetta Stone be included in the history books as well.  In a moving speech, Civil Rights Activist and Ex Pimp Reverend Al Sharpton exclaimed:

“If you ask me, it’s downright deplorable that we spend so much time learning about some crazy man who figured out a way to play a record with a peanut; and some old madam who’s famous for combing a few naps out of her hoe’s heads, instead of people that really made a difference in this country.”  Sharpton continued on, “Big deal, the lady heated up a damn comb.  That doesn’t make her a genius…she just didn’t like naps in her head.  Meanwhile Rosetta an old slave woman, managed to make 52 different languages CD’s; all while helping to free the slaves along the Underground Railroad, and no one even so much as says a peep.  We ought to be ashamed of ourselves as a people.”

By the time Reverend Sharpton was finished, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house.  Including Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, who later admitted:

“I actually never heard of Rosetta, but she sounds like she was a remarkable woman.  Truthfully, I just dropped by because I love the little snack biscuits they always set out for all the Negro conferences.  They remind me of the ones our dear old house keeper Big Mama used to make when I was a kid.  Then she’d corn row my hair out on the back porch, and share with me the most touching prison lesbian stories while we shared a pack of Kool’s. ”

With tears in her eyes, Clinton tossed the last six biscuits in her purse and ran off to her office; angering the co host of The View’s Sherri Shepherd who complained, “Hillary makes me sick.  That B*tch is always coming in here and stealing our good biscuits.  Now I got to eat one of these old bull sh*t ass veggie wraps.”  It’s still unclear whether Secretary Clinton was crying over Sharpton’s speech or the little snack sized butter biscuits.

The blatant snubbing of Rosetta Stone from Black History Month is no doubt a travesty.  To add salt to an open wound, even Rosa Parks was awarded a damn Congressional Medal of Honor just for refusing to sit on the back of a bus.  If my memory serves me correct, I don’t even think they had seats on the Underground Railroad.  Not to mention a fancy little bell to ring to let the driver know you reached your stop.  Yet we treat old Rosa like she parted The Red Sea; or came up with the idea for the indoor/outdoor bbq size George Foreman Grill.  So where is Rosetta’s Parade?  Where is her Grammy winning rap song featuring Big Boy and Andre 2000?  Not only did Rosetta free all the slaves on foot: but amazingly enough, she managed to learn Swahili and German along the way.  Do you know how difficult it is to learn German, running through a pitch black swamp with a pack of Basset Hounds hot on your ass?  That’s what you call some serious multitasking.  Rosetta gives a whole new meaning to the term “woman on the move”.   So as an African American, it deeply disturbs me that poor Rosetta never gets her just due.

In a separate yet related interview, legendary poet and star of Stephen Spielberg’s E.T, Maya Angelou stated:

“It really chaps my ass whenever I turn on BET, and see someone like Fantasia getting her 2^nd Life Time Achievement Award, when honestly…I don’t even think the heffa has mastered English yet.  Have you ever tried closing your eyes while watching her family on their new VH1 reality show?  You’d swear you were watching Roots.  The episode where Chicken George gets his foot cut off.”  While on the subject of Chicken; Maya Angelou decided to surprise the crowd with a 35 minute impromptu poem about the last time her and Oprah went to Popeye’s.

Angelou closed by saying that it makes no sense whatsoever that someone like Rosetta Stone dedicated her entire life to learning languages and freeing slaves, and she’s never even so much as gotten a Soul Train, Lady Of Soul Award.

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