Part #2
More than anything on this planet, I hate using the restroom at the office. Our men’s room only has one stall in it. This means, whenever anyone enters and the stall is in use, the first thing everyone does is immediately look to see who’s in there. Since we have a rather small company, you can pretty much always tell exactly who’s taking a dump, simply by looking at their shoes.
I have a serious problem with this concept. Whenever I’m in the stall, and someone else walks in, I instantly feel like I’m being judged. I can’t even relax, because I just know inside their heads they’re thinking, “Boy, Brett must’ve eaten at that Italian place again last night”, or “Hmnh, I wonder if Brett’s okay…this one seems to be taking a little longer than usual.” How can anyone take a dump under that kind of scrutiny? I know if I had a dollar for every time I walked in and yelled, “Oh God Chuck, that smells awful! What the hell are you eating at night…people?” So, I can just imagine the things they think about me when they leave out. I developed so much an anxiety about using the restroom at work that my doctor actually had to put me on nerve pills.
Truthfully, I really don’t understand this philosophy. We can fly people to the moon, and shoot and edit full-length feature films from our phones; yet we can’t find a way to design a bathroom stall that goes all the way to the ground. What’s with the whole peek-a -boo shoe action thing anyway? Is it supposed to be some kind of an emergency crawl space, just in case something goes wrong, and somebody else needs to shimmy under and help? My feeling is, if you can tell who’s in there simply by looking at their shoes, the whole anonymity thing just goes completely out the window. Why not just remove the stall all together? That way when people walk in and see you on the toilet, they can just wave and say, “Oh hey there Rick…I see you’re back on oatmeal” or “Wow Sue, love the new hair cut…we should do lunch when you’re done?”
Finally, I came up with the perfect solution. I started bringing in extra pairs of shoes to work just to wear whenever I took a dump. I’d wear my normal shoes throughout the entire day. Then when it was time for a “sitting”, I’d just slip on the other pair that no one’s ever seen before. It was genius! It didn’t matter what I ate the night before, how much time I took, or even how much noise I made. I could completely go to town in there, and no one ever had the slightest clue it was me. I’d even sometimes hear people on the other side comment, “Hey, who’s the new guy?” It was the most freeing experience of my life. For the first time ever, I actually enjoyed going to work every day.
One day last week, running late for work, I completely forgot my duffle bag. When it was time to go to the bathroom, I was devastated when I realized I left my sh*tting shoes at home. Out of all the things to leave at home, how on earth did I leave my damn sh*tting shoes? I went into that stall, and no matter how hard I tried, I could not bring myself to go. I tried lifting my legs off the ground so no one could see my feet; I tried sitting on the toilet Indian style; hell, I even tried going with both legs hoisted up over the handicap bars. Just when I was about to give up hope, that’s when I remembered that Gracie was gone.
Gracie is the little old Jewish lady, whose cubicle sits across from the men’s room. With the exception of her drinking problem, Gracie is literally one of the sweetest woman you’ll ever meet. Ever since Gracie got hit by that school bus a few months back, she spends all of her lunch breaks in physical therapy. Since she puts on her sneakers right before she leaves out, I figured her everyday shoes had to still be under her desk. I opened the restroom door and just as I thought, there they were. A pair of beige Easy Spirit sling backs. I thought, “Could I possibly get away with this?” Of course, they were about five sizes too small, but then again I thought, “I just need a pair of sh*tting shoes.” It wasn’t like I was going jogging in them.
I quickly slipped them on before anyone came, and darted into the bathroom stall. Finally, I could go in peace. Sure when people walked in, it must’ve looked a little strange, to see my big size 10 dress socks, sticking out the fronts and the backs of Gracie’s very sensibly cut Easy Spirits. But let me tell you, that was one of the best sittings I’ve had in years.
When I was done, I placed Gracie’s shoes back where I found them, and no one was ever the wiser. With the exception of Gracie, trying to figure out why, she all of a sudden kept slipping out of the front of her shoes, I was pretty much home free. That is until I was walking by later that day, and heard her boss walk over and say, “Hey Gracie, HR wants to see you down stairs. Something about you using the men’s room today?”
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Very funny! A clever solution to your predicament. Poor Gracie though.
Speaking for “Woman kind” I am certain that Gracie would not have approved had she known that her shoes were re-purposed. The floors of the Men’s restroom, in general, cannot be the most sanitary of locations and the stall, in particular, must be really scary if you know what I mean.
LOL I’m sure you were probably right Arlene!! But what she don’t know won’t hut her. Wait, I guess she actually knows now..
LOL Thanks a lot Brent!!! And your right about Gracie. LOL
LLS ur good
LLS your good
ok ok. you win. prior to 10:51 am today, my face had refused to smile. i could have even won a staring contest with my most serious-faced coworker. but no, you have to go and make me GUFFAW loudly in a room full of quiet old nurses in their quiet little cubicles. thanks.
there you go again….this one I read aloud to my boys (changing the “hell’s” to “heck”…we all laughed out loud!!!
u r dumd and way to flexible////the toilet positions…..ur a mess.
I’m crying over here! I live in a house off a busy street in Detroit and I am sure my next door neighbor can hear me cacklin’
Poor little Gracie now has stretched out shoes! And as for you I think you need to submit some of your stuff to the TV networks for a sitcom. Seinfeld doesn’t have anything on your S-Shoes and Yvonne the receptionist!
BTW is see you appropriately left the “h” out of the title of this series…
‘Wow sue… we shld do lunch when ur done.’ Lmao!!
Now, Brett you area hot mess! I laughed so hard that my coworkers came to see if I was alright. This was mad funny. I am not sure where in the world you came up with these jokes, but they are funny. I in particularly, do not use any public restrooms and you are right about the shoe thing, you can tell who is in the area. Keep it coming.
I’m crying, just crying…
Thanks so much for the compliment however I most certainly didn’t mean to make you cry. Hahaha
funny!
Thanks so much Sheryl. I’m so glad you loved it.
Boy you are stoopid….my goodness. I think there should be a series made off these stories…..My friend at Greenbench TV would love this!!
Thanks so much Flashynista.. and by all means tell him to contact me.
I’m crying, just crying…
I just stumbled upon your website by accident and I can not stop laughing. keep up the good work.
For chrissakes……..shitting shoes. I can not believe I’ve been missing out on your posts.
I should be shot.
LOL!!! Something is seriously wrong with you… and I love it!
Complexitii: I think I may have heard that once or twice before. LOL Thanks and glad you liked it.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by theComplex, Brett Sanders. Brett Sanders said: @thecomplexmedia Brett and The City » A Tale of Two Sittings: The Politics of Taking a Dump at Work http://t.co/qt3mlyQ via @AddThis [...]
Oh my goodness, I cannot believe you have sh*tting shoes! How great is that!? I’m a teacher, and my new classroom has a bathroom which is shared with the room next door. I was excited about this, because students can’t screw around in the bathroom like they normally do. You don’t have to go anywhere, so if you take too long everyone assumes your just taking a massive dump. So you’re in, you’re out, and you’re back to class in no time. But my co-worker decided he wanted to make it a faculty-only bathroom. That means he and I are the only ones who will be using it. And you can bet your ass I’m not about to drop a deuce with only the bathroom door separating me and a class of 12 year olds!!!!
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Mel: No shitting around a bunch of kids is never a good look. LOL