If losing half of the greatest song writing team of all time Nick “Solid as a Rock” Ashford wasn’t enough last night. Apparently after hearing rumors of mega super stars Will Smith and Jada Pinkett’s recent separation God could take no more; and as a result the old mighty smiter sent a 5.9 earthquake through the East coast (Old Testament style) as just a mere warning of what else was to come. I guess God said, “Shit… to hell with shaking my hair back and forth… Dammit I shook the planet!”
Now I knew the two close and personal friends of Oprah had enormous star power, but who knew they had the power to potentially cause of the end of the world? My grandma was so distraught over the news she literally called in tears. “If Will and Jada can’t keep it together…then what hope is there for the rest of us heathens?” Believe it or not she was actually okay with the earth quake; but according to my aunt Gussie when the news broke about Will and Jada; she jumped clear out of the shower screaming and ran naked through the neighborhood.
For the sake of us all and the state of this world as we know it, let’s all pray that the two stars decide to stay together forever. This was in deed a close call but we’re not totally in the clear just yet. If God got this worked up over merely hearing a rumor of their separation. If the two one day ever really did decide to throw in the towel; my fear is that God might just say f*ck it and finally just go ahead and really “Releases the Cracken!” on us all.
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Last Saturday night I finally hooked up with this girl that I had been after for the past nine months. Just when I was beginning to doubt if we’d ever get together; as luck would have it– and after weeks of back and forth messages on Facebook, she finally agreed to meet me out for drinks. It was my lucky day (and so I thought).
After several rounds of vodka gimlets we were both well on our way to being smashed. So naturally I ordered a few more rounds for good measure. Although things in my opinion were going pretty well, my first clue that something was off should’ve been all of the “casual” prison references she kept dropping all throughout the night. At one point she even commented that her favorite TV series of all time was OZ because of all the love scenes. Now although in my mind I was thinking, “Okay…I don’t particularly remember that program being known for its touching love scenarios.” I figured “Hell…maybe I just missed an episode or two.”
Now fast forward to a couple hours later and the two of us getting hot and heavy on my new Ikea sofa. It’s amazing what $60 bucks and a good relationship with your local bartender can get you these days. Finally she muttered those words every guy longs to hear in that situation, “We’d probably be more comfortable in your room.” I’ll tell you; those damn vampires from True Blood could not have zipped to my bed any faster.
Twenty minutes later in the midst of making out, to my surprise she asked “Hey…how do you feel about anal sex?” I thought “Huh?” Talk about being thrown for a loop. So of course not wanting to sound like a square, I replied “I guess I’m okay with it.” With a huge smile she replied “Great!”, and then before I knew it she had reached into her purse and whipped out the biggest rubber dildo I’d ever seen. Now in my mind I’m thinking “Although I certainly appreciate a woman coming prepared just like the next guy. I kind of already have a built in version that I’m particularly partial to.” So her pulling out hers was kind of like bringing your own ground beef to McDonalds. And that was when it sunk in; “Holy shit Brett! She obviously wants some double insertion action.” Although I’d seen it done countless times in some of my midget porn movies; never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d ever find a girl freaky enough to give it a go. I was so ecstatic it took everything I had not to immediately grab my phone and check in on Facebook: “Hey guys– guess what I’m about to do?”
As we tore through our clothes still in the heat of passion, she whispered “Papi…you have any lube?” Remembering that one really old bottle somewhere in the back of my closet that came along with that DVD I bought titled Backdoor Midgets 64; I quickly scrambled through the dark until I spotted the long blue tube near my shoe box. I snagged it up, and we were ready to go. But just as I was preparing to grease up; to my astonishment she began strapping on the dildo and then exclaimed “Okay, now I’m going to try my best to be gentle on you in the beginning.” I literally heard a record scratch, as I did my Scooby Doo double take “On me?! WTF?” I replied, “Wait…you were talking about doing me?” And with a slight attitude she commented, “Well…turnabout is fair play. So…if you want to hit it from the front, you’re gonna have to let me get it from the back.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. “What kind of a f*cked up ultimatum was that?!” I felt like I had just been masterfully set up, and I had the right mind to ask for my damn $60 back. I was beyond perplexed. My dream date had somehow just turned into a horrible episode of Deal or No Deal. I thought “okay, at this point do I just walk away with all my earnings? Or instead do I stay and go for it all?” And as horny as I was from all of the night’s foreplay, she knew she had me exactly where she wanted me. My natural instinct was to call the whole thing off. But then I looked down at my penis looking all excited, like a little retarded kid on Christmas morning, and suddenly I just didn’t have the heart to disappoint him. Yep; he had been a great friend to me over the years, and I reckoned if ever I had to “take one for the team”, it would damn sure be for him. So…I did what any man would do in that situation. I replied “Okay, but only two pumps.” I then turned over and gripped the bed posts, as I took a deep breath and prayed “Jesus please be with me?”
Next it was the craziest thing. She tried and tried, but for some reason she just wasn’t able to past go. I remember her saying several times, “This sure is some dry ass lube. Do you have anything else?” But I just figured with it being years old and all, who knows…perhaps it had just went bad? I suggested that maybe she just needed to try doubling up on the recipe. However as much lube as she would spray on, nothing seemed to work. Apparently my ass had a mind of its own that night. After several attempts she finally decided to give up, which I was more than okay with.
Early that next morning I got up to go take my morning leak. As I walked back into my room, suddenly I noticed there in the window seal above my bed, a big ass blue can of Lamisil Foot Spray. Still hung over, I thought “Huh…that’s strange? Had that can been there the entire night?” I suddenly shrieked with embarrassment thinking “Dammit Brett! What a stupid place to leave your damn foot fungus spray– especially with date. Now there’s no telling what she must be thinking now? And that was when it hit me. I thought “Oh no!” and immediately ran to the closet. I could not believe my eyes. There next to the shoe box sat a long blue bottle of lube. I was mortified. In all the darkness I must’ve accidentally grabbed my foot fungus spray. It suddenly made all the sense in the world. Specially all her remarks about how dry the lube was. It was that exact moment that I realized that God must’ve obviously heard my prayer. I then of course spent the next three hours trying to scrub Lamisil out my ass. We’ve all heard of the condition Hoof in Mouth; but leave it to me to become the first person on the planet to ever contract Foot in Ass disease.
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