Why can’t we Black people just shut the f*ck up whenever we go to the movies? This has to be hands down one of the 7 mysteries of the World. Right up there with Stonehenge and who really built the Pyramids of Giza? After a recent experience during the opening night of the new action flick Fast 5; I can honestly say that I would seriously rather gnaw my own arm off than sit in a theater full of Black people again. Something tells me it would at least be less painful. Sitting in that theater was like nothing you could ever imagine. I’m sure there was probably even far less chatter going back and forth the day of that infamous town hall meeting back in Little Rock Arkansas, the day the moderator stood up and announced “Okay, next order of business… desegregating the school system. Who in here thinks it’s a good idea?”
I literally couldn’t hear one single word that was being said by the actors, although with Vin Diesel as the lead they were probably doing me a favor. It got so bad at one point that I actually went downstairs and asked for those special earphones they normally give out to the hearing impaired customers, but unfortunately they were all out. Apparently the few white folks there that night had already beaten me to them. For starters there were two couples sitting directly behind me that I swear were having just full out dinner conversation; and at normal volume too. They covered every topic of interest BUT the actual movie they were there to see. Then there was the lady in the front row with not 1, but actually 3 crying babies. And believe it or not, they were still no where near as loud as her. And finally let’s not forget Ms. State the Obvious Lady. She’s that one lady that absolutely insists on shouting out the most obvious statements ever imaginable at the top of her lunges. The statement that of course took the cake, was when after a somewhat witty remark from The Rock; while falling out laughing, she proceeds to yell out “Hahaha!!! I knew he was gone’ say that! I saw that on the commercial” Gee… really lady? Then you’d think you’d be a little better prepared for it, specially since you knew it was coming and all.
I was beyond frustrated. So much that I immediately thought about going home and firing off one fierce letter to congress, urging them to just flat out make it against the law for Black people to go to the movies in parties of two or more; assuming that would surely alleviate the problem. But then again that still didn’t account for the guy sitting to my left who not only answered his cell phone when it rang, but then proceeded to have a 10 minute argument with his girlfriend about an apparent comment some other girl just left on his facebook. To which he replied verbatim “And bitch don’t think I don’t be seeing all them ‘Likes’ you be doing on your ex Jamar’s page either!!” As God is my witness, we have to be the only people on this entire planet who literally have full blown phone conversations during a movie. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard someone answer their phone during a movie and reply “I’m at the movies. Nah it’s cool I can talk. What you doing?”
So in closing, Black people I beg of you. The next time you decide to go see a movie; can you please find it in your heart to just shut the f*ck up? Just remember that whenever you see those big ass “No Talking” signs posted everywhere… they’re not really a “suggestion”.
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Talk about being the HNIC. Obama just managed to kill Donald Trump and Osama Bin Laden all in the same weekend. Now if that’s not considered the old one two punch, I don’t know what is. At this point I think Obama should change his 2012 campaign slogan to simply one phrase: “WINNING BITCHES!!!” I know I’d buy that campaign button and wear it proudly. As a matter of fact, why even have the damn 2012 elections anymore? As payback for all of the bull shit they put Obama through over the past 3 years, why not just go ahead and call them off on GP. It’s the least we owe him.
I think it’s pretty safe to say that Obama is definitely “getting him some” tonight. That’s probably why he kept the press conference so short. Michelle was already up stairs in the White House bedroom stretching and putting on her good cocoa butter. We all know the look of a man who’s about to get him some, and Obama definitely had it. Michelle had probably already told him “Baby you did so good that just this once, I’m not even gone put my head wrap on first.” And everyone knows that “sweating her perm out” is the number one cardinal sin for Black women.
That’s no doubt the real reason that Obama’s speech was so brief and to the point. Before I could even hit my DVR is was over. He came right out and said, “Hey everybody. I just wanted to let yawl know I finally killed that Mutha F*cka. And peace out.” That was the only press conference I’ve ever seen where the POTUS didn’t open up the floor for questions afterwards. I think I saw him get ready to, but then Michelle must’ve sent him a quick text saying “OK N*gga. Mess around & miss dis ass if u want 2”. Congrats again to Obama. But something tells me the “REAL” business got taken care the moment got back to the White House Bedroom.
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