As a Black man I must admit, there is absolutely nothing on this planet worse than going to a club and seeing a room full of 40 and 50 year olds doing “their version” of the dance moves they’ve seen their teen age kids do at home. People really? If you have a house full of grown ass kids, and an old sick grandmother sleeping in a hospital bed in the middle of your living room because her Medicaid didn’t cover lodging; are you even allowed to drop it like it’s hot? Because honestly chances are… it’s probably not. The bottom line is this; if you have 5 kids at home, sugar, and a bad left knee… absolutely nobody want’s to see yo’ ass “up in the club” doing “The Dougie”.
Why is that when ever you go out to a club there’s always Vondell; that one woman on the floor trying her damnedest to prove she’s still got it by doing her interpretation of whatever dance is currently out that she just happened to oversee her kids do when she ran home between shifts to change shoes and grab her Dairy Queen apron? We’ve all seen her right? The one who almost has the arms down, but just can’t seem to get the feet together. There’s also Miss Mary; the nurse or city worker who between church and working 72 hours a week has finally just managed to learn the “Soldier Boy”, but still sometimes needs someone to “help get her started”. Then in the center of the floor is always that other woman who clearly doesn’t have a job because she has far too much BET time on her hands. You’ve seen her too…. Peaches? The one with her favorite niece’s stretch jeans on, and her daughter Ebony’s good ponytail that she managed to sneak out of the house because Ebony forgot to lock her door. Peaches can not only do every dance that’s currently out with the precision of a video girl; she can also show you the different versions of the move from every city.
People STOP IT already! Enough is enough! No kid on earth wants to hear that their mama was out at the club the night before doing “The Stankey Leg”. It’s not sexy and it’s not cute. At what age do we finally give up the madness and embrace that ever looming and old faithful “two step”? You remember… that one yo’ mama and aunt Martha-Rae used to embarrass you with at every single back yard barbecue the moment anybody would put on Cameo or the Barkays?
How old is… TOO OLD to do “The Dougie”? I honestly think that after a certain age certain dance moves should be just flat out against the law, and punishable by jail time. I believe once a person reaches 35, they should be required by law to go downtown and register their own personal 2 step move with the courts. If you don’t have one then fine, they could even assign you one. And from then on out, that will be the ONLY move you’re allowed to do. Then if ever you’re at a club and decide to stray by attempting something yo’ old ass know you don’t need to be doing like “The Dirty Wind”; there should be a special hot line people can call to have the police come pull yo’ ass right off the dance floor and taken straight to the lock up. I believe that is the only way that this madness will ever stop. So let’s get the ball rolling now. People… the next time you’re at the club and see some old person trying to do “The Dougie”, it is now your civic duty to go over and make a citizen’s arrest.
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